Hughes News

images for the graver

2012-01-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

After all this time, this post is pretty random, but I'm collecting pictures for a story I'm writing and for some reason I couldn't pin these from the site I was on. I pinned several, then my internet slowed down and started getting confused and I couldn't get all the ones I wanted. So, I'm probably commiting all sorts of copyright crime, but since nobody pays me for this blog, I'm not going to worry too much about it. :) Aren't these photos amazing?

rock star songs.

2011-07-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

So Kaalam is talking to dad just now and he starts singing a little song that he made up. It consisted mostly of "Jerkidy jerkidy, jerkidy."

Brandon - "We don't sing that song. It sounds too much like jerk."

Kaalam - "It's Ok dad. It's my favorite song."

Dad - "Really? I haven't heard that song before."

Kaalam - "It's by rock stars. They live far away in houses. You wouldn't have heard it."

I got featured!

2011-07-15T13:13:00.000-07:00

I got featured today on Diapers and Divinity! Hooray!! I love Stephanie. She is amazing. Her blog is all about motherhood and faith and the gospel and it seems like every time I have a rotten day, she's posted something new that is exactly what I needed to hear. And she is really funny. She makes me laugh.

Go check it out! Today it's all about me. :)

Happy birthday Xander!

2011-07-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

Xander turns two today! How weird is that? Kaalam was always in a big hurry to grow up and it felt like it took forever. Xander has always been content to ride things out slow, and his babyhood seems to have slipped right past. How is that fair?

I am so excited to watch him turn into a little person. In the last few months his personality is finally starting to blossom. He's quite a little charmer. And he's funny and he's sweet. I swear I could raise 12 kids if they were all like Xander. He has his stubborn spells, but they don't last long and even when he gets angry about something he somehow still makes it adorable. I am so in love with my little boy!

He's getting to really enjoy posing for the camera. :)

For a while there Xander was 100% momma's boy but in the last year he's really warmed up to his daddy and I'm glad. Xander is wild about Brandon now. It took him long enough!

He is such a pretty kid! And he doesn't get it from my side of the family!. :)

Dude!

time to breathe

2011-06-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

I think I may have discovered the three most beautiful words in the English language. Father/Son Campout. Growing up in a big family with all the kids the same age, solitude was a rare occurrence and I used to go to great lengths to find it. To the point where the garage roof became one of my favorite hangouts through junior high and when I could, I would hike for hours through the coulees, always trying to find one more place to explore so that I could be alone for just a half an hour more. In college I would drop Brandon off at school and drive up to Eldorado Springs to be out in the middle of nowhere, just listening to the silence.

Kaalam was born 4 years ago and it's been four years since I've really been alone for longer than naptime, and with no time limit. The boys have all been gone since yesterday afternoon and I am in heaven! Last night I started, worked on and then completed an entire project without a single interruption. I ate when I was hungry instead of when the kids needed to be fed, and I took a bath at the very moment that I decided to. I slept in, I ate chocolate without sharing, I drank water from a cup that hadn't been drooled in and I haven't heard a single person scream or cry or demand anything in hours. I worked all morning in my garden without ever once getting sprayed with the hose, or having to tell anybody to stop picking on their brother or we'll all go inside.

I really needed this. Since last August Brandon's been gone almost 5 full months and I really, really needed a day off. I love my family, but sometimes you just need a little bit of time to breathe. Brandon has offered to take the kids to Colorado early for the 4th of July and then have me fly out a couple days later to give me a bit more time to myself. I am really, seriously considering it. This has been a much needed break.

They'll be back late this afternoon and I think I'm going to lay down and take a nap in the middle of the morning. How awesome is that?

ready to adopt again

2011-05-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

I've been terribly absent from my blog lately. Actually, I've been terribly absent from being on-line at all, which has been sort of nice because it means I've been able to get a lot of things done. It also means that half my friends must think I'm avoiding them. (Sorry!) We've just had one major project after another lately and it seems like every time I think things are about to slow down, something else pops up that needs doing. I guess that describes just about everybody's life though doesn't it?

But all in all we're feeling settled. And because we're feeling settled, we're also feeling the push to start working towards another adoption. I think it's time. It's been time for the last couple of months I think, but I've been pushing it off a little. I wanted the chance to enjoy the way things are right now before we dive back into the chaos of bringing a baby through the first year. But as much as I've tried to push it off, it just keeps circling back around. I'm dreaming about it, thinking about it, running into it at every turn.

Kaalam's been stopping places and saying things to me like, "That's a nice baby. Can we buy that baby Mom?". Which has prompted quite a few discussions about the difference between adoption and human trafficking, which have all been way over his head, but the other day at the dinner table Kaalam told me, "Mom, I really want to have another baby." I asked him why and his response was, "Because I want to go to the temple again. Like with Xander." And I suddenly realized that I really wanted to go to the temple again too. It was time to start announcing our intentions and following the process through to see where it may lead.

People keep asking if we're going to try to find a girl. I think I'm pretty well suited to be the mother of boys to be honest. I don't mind mud and I'm OK digging up worms and I can generally handle most of the boys stuff pretty well. But I am yearning for a daughter. We aren't going to limit our search. Three boys would really be a lot of fun, and I think both boys would love another brother. Kaalam has actually said as much. He says that boys are just more fun. But I am praying for a little girl. I guess we'll see. Either way, whoever comes into our family next, we're finally ready for them.

the long way around

2011-04-05T22:49:00.000-07:00

Adoption has been very on my mind lately, we've been debating when we're going to start the adoption process for a third time. I'm thinking we'll be starting sooner rather than later. Either way, I came across this poem in the Ensign and it made me think of Kaalam and Xander.

Just the Same

By Diana Lynn Lacey

Sometimes--
God sends rain
Straight from the sky
To nourish the young flower
and it grows.

Sometimes--
God sends rain from the sky
To the mountaintops,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until it reaches the flower
and it grows, just the same.

Sometimes--
God sends a child
Straight from His realm
Into a mother's arms
and love grows.

Sometimes--
God sends a child
From heaven to another's arms,
Then over hills and through valleys
Until he reaches the arms of his mother
and love grows, just the same.

Years before Kaalam was born, Brandon was called to be first counselor in the bishopric of our ward. As he was being set apart, we were promised that as a result of his faithful service in that calling, we would finally be blessed with children. We'd been struggling with infertility for about two years. I thought our wait was finally over. Instead, Brandon was unsuccessful at attempting to juggle school, and work, and his calling and his marriage and his social life, and all the other things he had going on in his life at the time and he was kicked out of school for bad grades. Two years later, he was finally able to get back into school, our lives were back on track, and we still had no children in our arms.

At the time, I really didn't get it.

Eventually, we were contacted by Veronica and she chose us to be Kaalam's parents and the promise was at last kept in time for Brandon to finish one last semester of school, graduating near the top of his class. It took me some time to realize that if Brandon had graduated on time, we would not have been in Colorado and we may never have been connected with Veronica and Kaalam (and eventually Xander) would not have come to our home.

I cannot imagine loving two children more than I love my two boys. They took the long route. We took the long route. Looking back, there were a lot of things that lined up to bring them into our home. The Lord knows every stone along to path, every hill and every valley. He knows every child and every family and I am so grateful that my boys were led to me.

We're getting sealed to Xander on Saturday at the Salt Lake Temple and I can't talk to either of the boys about what's going to happen without crying. I broke down at the store today showing Kaalam the little white clothes his brother is going to wear. Kaalam can't hardly talk about anything else. Xander keeps pointing out the picture of the Salt Lake Temple on our wall and I don't think he has any idea what's going on, but I think he knows that it's important, and that we're excited and every time he points to the picture I get to tell him again how much I love him and try to help him understand.

I am so grateful that we have this chance to take our children to the temple. It's not the normal, path, but with all of it's bumps and the all the bruises we've taken along the way, there are some really incredible blessings in being able to adopt. I get to hold my son's hands at the alter on Saturday. I get to see him dressed in white and I get to tell him that I love him in the most sacred place on this earth.

And I get to teach my sons that no matter what, the Lord always keeps his promises. Even if sometimes it's by the long way around.

obama bumper sticker removal kit

2011-04-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

I just couldn't resist. . . :)

something I never thought I'd say

2011-03-30T20:53:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with Brandon a few minutes ago. He's back in California for the week for meetings with work and he had just finished the 45 minute drive from work to our old house. He doesn't miss that drive. Neither do I.

I was always pretty sure that Utah was not going to be for me. I'd spent a few years before my mission living with roommates who'd never been further away from Farmington than Salt Lake and they were a bit weird. VERY sheltered. It really bothered me, because the world is so big and there's so much to see, why on earth would you even want to spend your life in one place? Anyway, I left and decided that Utah just wasn't going to be a good fit for me.

But then I had kids.

In the last few months that we've been here, I haven't once had to shield my kids from a dirty look or a nasty comment from an overdressed yuppie with a dog. We got snapped at once because Kaalam LOOKED at a man's dog from up on top of Brandon's shoulder's. What possible damage could he have done from 6 feet in the air? In California every time we went to the park I got asked why Kaalam wasn't in preschool yet and why I hadn't gone back to work. It was getting hard to take him to the park, because he was getting older than any of the other kids that were there. He was three. He should not have been the oldest kid at the park. If I mentioned that I wanted a third child I got chilly looks and 99% of the time if I brought up the fact that my kids were adopted the conversation would die right there on the spot. I'd get an "OH." and then the other mothers would drift away. That sort of thing happened so often I was starting to think it was normal.

Here it's different. I take my boys to the store and they get smiles from old people, and comments on what good looking kids they are. I'd almost forgotten that people do that! An old man stopped me this week and said, "What? You only have two?" and then went on to brag about how proud he is of his five boys. I almost danced it felt so good. People here think it's normal for me to want to be a mother! When I bring up adoption, half the people in the room have some connection to adoption. For the first time since Kaalam was born I'm getting to talk to other adoptive parents. I've never had that before. My check out girl at Walmart was a birthmother and when I told her how much we love Veronica, she got teary. Nobody here thinks my boys are out of place and nobody blinks an eye if Kaalam is singing in the shopping cart. I spent 20 minutes playing with the boys at the grocery store yesterday and we got amused smiles, not raised eyebrows. In California my guard was up all the time. Here I feel relaxed for the first time in a long time. It feels good to be in a place where people value children.

I miss my friends A LOT. I miss being in California this month (March is the prettiest month of the year). I miss being able to expect warm weather just about any time I want it. But I don't miss the attitudes of the childless yuppies. I never got any of that weirdness from members. But there aren't that many members there really and when I went to the grocery store or took the kids to the park I always felt like I had to watch what I said, what I did.

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm feeling quite at home here.

I'm glad were here.

kaalam's birthday party

2011-03-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Birthdays in our family are a really big deal. Last year we turned the backyard into a city, the year before that, we did pirates, and before that we made a castle cake out of Rice Krispies and Starburst that people still occasionally bring up. Kaalam is finally old enough to have an opinion about his birthday so we asked what he wanted to do this year. He was very definite. He wanted a birthday with cake, candy, funny hats, blowers, balloons and lots and lots of kids. So for the first time ever, we went traditional. I guess it was bound to happen eventually.

We hadn't met anyone in the ward yet, so we sent Kaalam to primary with invitations for every kid in his sunbeams class and he was so excited he tried to give them to EVERYONE. Little old ladies were being invited. He kept asking me if Greggy could come, of if Nana could come, but sadly, they live a bit too far now. So we sent the invites out and hoped. Kaalam picked out his very own funny hat that he could wear so all the kids would think it was really funny. He explained this too me all week coming up on the day. He was so excited!

Kaalam had visions in his head of what it was going to be like in that moment when everybody stood around and sang Happy Birthday to him and from the look on his face, I'd say it was everything he'd dreamed of.

The obligatory candle blowing picture. You can't see it very well, but I made the sweater he's wearing. I finished it at about 10pm the night before and he was very excited to wear a "birthday sweater" from mom. Someday he won't that's quite so cool. :(

Our spread.

I like setting out party food, but I really can't remember the last time we were able to set up for a party in less that an hour. It sort of weirded me out. Last year Brandon was up until 6am building roads.

Every time I asked Kaalam what he wanted for his birthday, he just said, "kids". He's a very socially built kid and he gets awfully lonely. We lucked out, and a lot of fantastic kids came to his party. We all made new friends. I figured it was the perfect time to meet people and Kaalam is thrilled to know that so many friends live so close now.

When we took Kaalam to the party store, he picked a dragon for a pinata and all week he told me, "Mom, we're not going to be very nice to that dragon are we?" They really weren't.

Gathering the spoils of war. I was surprised actually. Everybody picked out two or three pieces that they liked and left the rest. I guess they haven't quite figured it out yet.

All in all, he had a very good birthday. I was so nervous that no one would come. We hadn't gotten the chance to speak to a single parent and had no real idea if any of the invitations got through, or how many people would come even if they did get the invite. He would have been crushed if no one had come. He came away from his birthday this year feeling loved. And isn't that really what a birthday should be for?

Kaalam is 4!

2011-03-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

Kaalam turned 4 yesterday. It's sort of freaking me out. How did he get so big so fast? I always used to hear parents say that, but I don't think I really got it until now. He's learning to read, he's speaking in fluent sentences, he's making definitive statements about himself and who he sees himself to be. During the few months of the move, he had a pretty hard time. He doesn't deal well with change and I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to like him again. When he acts out, it's ALL THE WAY. Since we've gotten back from Canada though, he's finally, finally settled down and gotten back to the calm (but busy) sweet , polite little boy that I used to know. What a relief!

For his birthday, we drove down to Provo. There's an old movie theater there they've converted into a pirate restaurant and it was very, very worth the drive. He was in heaven. Even Xander left the restaurant yelling, "Yo Ho! Yo ho!". There's cannon's that fire and an arcade full of games and some pretty unbelievable decorations. Very fun!

Kaalam, enjoying his birthday dessert. Which he was surprisingly willing to share with his baby brother.

Kaalam's dessert was brought to our table by singing pirates. They sang a birthday song about walking the plank. Kaalam just about glowed, he was so excited. Our waiter (the one on the right) gave Kaalam some "magic" tokens for the arcade. If Kaalam yelled "arrg!" they bounced off the back of his hand onto the table. Kaalam would have had him do it all night if we'd let him.

Even Xander had a fantastic time. He discovered Whack-A-Mole and he added Yo Ho to his vocabulary. And he appreciated the ice cream. :)

ugh. . .

2011-03-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

Do dance workout videos make anybody else feel entirely uncoordinated and silly? I just tried one on Netflix and would it kill them really to assume that you don't already have dance training and can barely tell your right from your left? It was a beginner's video.

I feel like a jerk

2011-02-27T13:08:00.000-08:00

On my mission, I can't tell you the number of times we got a call from the bishop telling us the speakers had bailed and could we please cover sacrament meeting today. I swore I'd never be that guy. If you're going to say no, just say no. Don't wait until Sunday morning.

But no matter my resolution, I am now, officially one of those people.

It's not entirely my fault and my wonderful husband who was also asked to speak today worked all morning to flesh out his talk to cover my time, but I still feel like a putz. Middle of the night last night Xander woke up with a fever. A really, pretty bad fever. This morning he was still sick and no matter how much Tylenol we've given him, it still hasn't entirely gone away. So the poor little boy has spent the morning cuddled on my chest. Obviously, one of us was going to have to stay home today. But even before we knew he was sick, I was already going to have to bail on my talk.

Years ago, before my mission, I went to the dentist. I tried very hard to explain to him that I was going to be out of the country without any dental coverage and so everything that needed to be done, had to be done. I had a very small cavity on one of my molars that he absolutely refused to fix. He kept insisting that it was tiny and wouldn't cause me any problems and we could fix it when I got home. So I left on my mission. Nine months later, half my tooth fell off. That tiny little cavity that he was so sure wasn't going to cause me any problems had spread straight up into the center of my tooth, instead of spreading at the surface, so I didn't even realize that anything had gone wrong until I was missing my tooth. We found a member dentist that was willing to fix it for me and he put on a cap and sent me on my way.

A week before Xander was born the cap fell off and once again, I only had half a molar.

But, I really hate dentists and the tooth didn't hurt and I kept thinking that I could go experience pain getting it fixed now, or I could experience pain later. I chose later, and later has finally caught up with me. I had no idea my mouth could hurt like it does. Fortunately, it comes in waves, so it's not constant, and we've discovered that while straight clove oil burn like heck on your tongue, it really does an amazing job of numbing a toothache. So the burning sucks, but it's worth it. It's working WAY better than the Oragel.

So Kaalam is very serious about helping people when they're hurt. The other day I tried swishing some salt water hoping it would help. Bad idea. My vision went black and I hit the ground. Brandon carried me to the couch, and Xander was screaming because apparently I scared the poor little baby half to death and Kaalam stood over me with his little hands on his hips and his chest stuck out trying his very best to seem like he was in complete control of the situation and everything was going to be OK now that he was here to help. Brandon came back into the room with our little dental mirror so he could take a look and Kaalam stuck his little hand out and in his very best "doctor voice" said,

"I need the Window please, Dad." And then Dad helped him use the dental mirror to get a look at my tooth and Kaalam hummed and haughed and generally tried very hard to be reassuring. He has a pretty good bedside manor. Now he just needs to learn the right names for his tools.

Even I had to laugh.

So now, on my second day in my new ward, (I've been travelling for that long!) I have become the dork who bails on a sacrament talk, and I need to get up enough courage to head off to the dentist. I really hate the dentist. And the only thing I know about Root Canals (which is probably what I need) is that they suck. But at least I have Xander to keep me company. He's awfully cuddly when he doesn't feel good.

i got stuck outside my hotel room naked

2011-02-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

Well, we are finally settled in Utah. Sort of. We have a house in Bountiful, we have about half of our things unpacked, we finally have internet, and I have been shipped off to Canada without my husband. AGAIN. I had a dream last night that I was a widow. Brandon is working 12 hour nights for the next three weeks and once again, I am without a husband. Guess how thrilled I am about this?

But the kids are thrilled about being at Nana and Papa's house and now that we're closer, it's easier.

But, I'm sure you're wondering about the title. You know that story about Eddie Vedder and how he got stuck outside his hotel room with just a helmet to cover himself and when he went to the front desk he couldn't remember what name he'd checked in under so he couldn’t get a key? Well, the night the movers came to our house we had some friends come to hang out one last time and I was told that story. There was a lot of laughing and eye rolling and "only a rock star" sort of comments. We wondered what sane person could possibly let that happen to them.

Apparently that person is me, and my children are to blame.

The next morning Brandon went to supervise the movers packing the truck and I stayed at the hotel with the boys. They wanted to go swimming and I needed to shave so I hopped in the tub. It was one of those hotel bathrooms with the obnoxious automatic fans so I really couldn't hear much of what was going on in the next room. But the TV was on and they had plenty of toys so I figured I could trust them for a minute. And at home, my kids are really good about understanding that they don’t go outside without mom or dad. Apparently hotels don’t register quite the same. About halfway through shaving I suddenly realized it was a whole lot quieter in the next room than it should be.

I threw on the RIDICULOUSLY small towel the hotel had provided, went out to the room and found Kaalam rattling on the door from the outside trying to get back into the room. Just as I was about to open the door I remembered the story from the night before and was just smart enough the switch my towel that didn’t quite cover for Kaalam’s baby blanket that did. When I opened the door, Kaalam ran right in telling me that everything was OK (he loves telling us that) and that they had only been running up and down the hallway. So now I had Kaalam, but Xander was out of reach and not at all interested in coming in. Kaalam dashed back out to try to drag his brother in by the arm, which of course only made Xander fall dramatically to the floor screaming and now they were both out of reach and nobody was in the room where they should be and in the chaos of trying to grab the two of them, I heard the door behind me click.

I was soaking wet, dripping with soap, wrapped in a baby blanket in the hallway of a hotel without a key and my children had suddenly decided become quiet and cooperative THREE SECONDS TOO LATE. A belated instinct for self-preservation I think. And of course, we were in the room at the furthest point in the hotel from the front desk.

All I could do was try to muster up as much dignity as I could manage and haul my two suddenly angelic children down to the front desk to get a key. The girl behind the desk could hardly keep from laughing and I can’t say I blame her.

Last time we moved we spent seven days driving a two day trip. It was awful and every possible thing that could go wrong did. Getting locked outside my hotel room on our first day of this move, did not bode well. Fortunately it turned out to be the only real catastrophe and we are mostly settled. I’m looking forward to getting back to Utah and getting settled.

Two more weeks in Canada. Lucky for me, Nana lives close enough to Utah to avoid any hotel stays so we’ll be able to avoid any repeats for at least a while.

do not fear

2011-01-17T13:44:00.000-08:00

So, we've been moving for what seems like forever, and we still aren't settled yet. We've been in Bountiful for just over a week now at a friends house and we're going to be settling into our new home on Wednesday. Finally!! It's a 2100sq foot house with four bedrooms, two bath's and a backyard with a garden and a peach tree. We're paying less than we did in California for our 1000sq foot two bedroom apartment. Hee hee! And it seems like it's in a great ward. We were able to go yesterday and met a ton of people who all apparently live within three houses of me or less and I'm a little weirded out. I don't think I've ever lived in a neighborhood like this before - one that actually feels and acts like a neighborhood. Virginia Hills was close, but there were all sorts of people there that we still didn't know. It's going to feel weird to have my entire ward live within a five block radius. I'm looking forward to it.

People at Brandon's work kept asking us if we were nervous about moving. After all, we didn't really know anyone here and we don't have any family in the area and moving to a new area can be hard. And I have to admit that as right as this has all felt since last year when the idea of coming out here starting banging around in both of our heads, I have been nervous. I don't generally deal well with change. It stresses me out pretty bad. But for the last month I've had this song stuck in my head and it's made me feel much better. Mostly it's the happy tune and phrase "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know" that's been stuck in my head. The rest of the lyrics are pretty cool, but every time things have started getting worrisome, I hear the phrase "Darlin's do not fear" start to come though my brain and I've felt much better. I finally looked it up last night and hearing it made me feel happy all over again. I thought I'd share. :)

We should be getting into our new house on Wednesday and hopefully be the weekend I can be back to posting our adventures a little more often.

stuff you never want to find in your sock the hard way

2010-12-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

I just caught Xander stuffing blackberries into my favorite pair of fuzzy socks. The older he gets, the more outnumbered I'm starting to feel. And to think, yesterday I was feeling prepared for a third.

merry christmas everybody!!!

2010-12-25T18:35:00.000-08:00

This year we had a pretty great Christmas. The boys had a blast and poor Kaalam hasn't slept well in weeks, crying every time he came down the stairs after a nap because Santa hadn't come yet.

These are my new pearl earings. Brandon's mom bought me a pearl necklace in China years ago and I've been asking Brandon for new pearl earings to match ever since. He can't surprise me when it comes to gifts. He hasn't been able to in years, but this time he actually pulled it off. Brandon took Kaalam out to buy me a present and then "accidentally" let me see the gift they got me. It was a lego board game. I was kind of bothered. We live in a house full of boys and Brandon had the chance to teach his son about women and marriage and gift giving and he got me a board game. I even talked to him about it. I tried to explain to him that Kaalam needs to understand that there is a difference between a wife and a buddy and the gifts Kaalam see's Dad buy is one of the things that mark that difference. Then Christmas rolls around and it turned out I'd fallen for the decoy. My pearl earings had already been sitting in my new jewelry box when I gave him the lecture. Right where Kaalam helped put them.

I felt like an idiot. But don't they look nice? :)

This was absolutely the prize gift of the day, for both boys. Santa set out the train track so it was the first thing the boys saw this morning and Kaalam started screaming and jumping around and they both got so excited about it that we could barely get them interested in opening anything else. Which was kind of OK because it gave us a chance to make breakfast and eat before we started unwraping.

This the other great cause for excitement. The only thing Kaalam's been asking for all month has been a tractor and it turns out that sometimes wishes do come true. Kaalam got the one he's holding and Xander got a bulldozer. I am soooo glad I thought to get one for each of them!!

This is the boys playing while Brandon and I wondered when we were going to get to see what we got. :)

This is one happy little boy.

Xander got lots of food. Really we could have stopped there with him and he would have been thrilled.

My other new gift was a telephoto lens and a monopod for my camera. Now I can take all sorts of close up pictures of very tiny things. How cool is that?

Andthis, is the moment I wait for all year long. Christmas crepes for breakfast. They're french crepes stuffed with strawberries, banana's and Dulce de Leche ice cream topped with everything wonderful. I love Christmas morning.

We're moving!

2010-12-06T15:21:00.000-08:00

We just got word we're moving to Utah! Brandon's start date is the 17th of January, just over a month away. I never thought I'd actually want to move to Utah, but I'm really excited! Utah's been feeling right for quite a while. And fortunately the move happens after Christmas. I'm going to miss our friends though. :( Kaalam keeps telling us he wants to bring Carl and Norm with us when we go. They're both Brandon's age.

hallelujah chorus

2010-12-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

I love the idea of these choirs or acting groups that come out and spontaneously put on a show. I'd love to see it happen someday. Merry Christmas everybody!

Happy Thanks Giving

2010-11-20T22:18:00.000-08:00

This year for Thanksgiving I am finding I have a lot to be thankful for. I have two beautiful children and husband who loves me with all of his heart. I have my boy's amazing birthmother who has been able to come and visit wih us this week. I have friends to share the holidays with and an extended family to miss. My life is good. I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for trully blessed life.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Brandon's finally on his way.

2010-11-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

And now the boy's fan buzzes even when it's turned off, the boys are sick, I gave myself a third degree burn on my arm yesterday baking bread and our pilot light has gone out. Lucky for me it's only 2 more days for Brandon to come home!! He'll be here on Thursday. WOO HOO!!!!! I am sooooooo ready for a break.

It's about time! :)

I have the best husband in the entire world

2010-11-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

In the last three and a half months I've only seen Brandon for just over four weeks. First they had a maintenance shut down at his Chevron plant here (which is why I took the boys to Canada), and now he's been called out to over see the opening of a new oil platform in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico.This really sucks. Not only have I been more or less single parenting the kids, but I've got nobody to talk with at the end of the day. I miss him!

He left for the oil platform about two weeks ago. To give you some perspective on the size, the floor of this platform is 10 stories up. It's bigger than it looks.

And here's my lovely husband heading out to work in the morning. He lives on a smaller platform and gets boated out to the larger platform every day.

So he was supposed to be coming home today. These things tend to be pretty fluid so he left knowing the return date might change. Last Sunday morning he called to let me know he wouldn't be home until this coming Monday at least. Two days ago he called to let me know the date had moved even further back to next Wednesday.

I sort of broke down a bit. I miss him, and I'm tired and I really want him to come home. And since he's been gone the outlet in the bathroom has stopped working, the garberator has blownup, the blinds have all broken off, our internet was shut down for non-payment even though we're on automatic bill pay and I found a roach in my apartment. All of which is stuff that normally falls to him to deal with. I told him he'd better be coming home with flowers. He asked what the flowers were for and I told him they were to say, "Thanks Amy, for taking care of the family while I'm gone. I missed you. I'm sorry this has been so hard lately." He said he would see what he could do.

Yesterday I was tired and frustrated and I think breaking down on the phone to Brandon the night before opened some sort of emotional flood gate and I'd had a pretty rotten day all around. It was five o'clock and the boys had been banished upstairs to their room. I called Brandon and vented some more, then said goodbye because he was off the go eat at some 100 year old restaurant and then tour Temple Square with a group of friends from work. (He was in Utah for a conference this week then he's headed back out to the oil platform today). Knowing he was in for a lovely night out did not really help my mood in any kind of way. About 5 minutes after I got off the phone with Brandon, I was trying to figure out how I was going to peel myself off the couch and figure out what to make for dinner when I heard a knock on my door. I answered the door and it was a pizza delivery guy. He asked if I was Amy. I told him I hadn't ordered any pizza and he showed me the box. The box had a hand written note on it that said, "Amy, I love you. Enjoy dinner. Love Brandon". Brandon had ordered me dinner and had the manager write me the note. It was our favorite pizza from Dominoes. Dominoes doesn't deliver to our area. I don't know what Brandon said but he managed to convince them to make an exception for me.

I almost started crying in my doorway. From halfway across the country Brandon had brought me dinner on a day that I really needed someone else to take care of dinner. I called to tell him thank you and he asked if pizza was just as good as flowers. I think pizza was better. Flowers would have been a token. Pizza filled a need.

I love my husband. I can't wait to have him home again. Hopefully he'll be home within the week and we can start being a family again. I miss him so much.

Happy Halloween!

2010-11-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Robin Hood and Little John heading out to Trunk-or-Treat. I wish I could take credit for the costumes this year, but it was all Brandon. He was going to be the Sheriff and I was going to be Maid Marion but sadly, that didn't happen. Xander loved his costume. When I pulled it out he ran straight over and sat in my lap to get dressed and then he strutted around the room in it giggling. Kaalam especially liked his hood. Which is good because it'll fit him till he's 16.

Kaalam's adorable when he flirts.

I love that hood!

I didn't get a whole lot of pictures of Xander since it was just me and I spent most of the night holding his hand, but I can tell you that he totally understood the concept of trick or treating. He carried his own bucket the whole night and quietly walked to every car. Kaalam was all over the place last year. I'm so glad Xander's calmer than that.

Sharing the spoils.

Our friends the disco ball and dancer. :)

We spent Halloween night handing out candy and Kaalam had a blast. He kept throwing the door open yelling, "Merry Christmas!" (I think because he was giving out presents). Every 20 minutes or so he'd ask if we could go outside to take pictures of the pumpkins. Really this was all a ploy to be allowed another chance to play with the fire inside the pumpkins. Tricky boy!

Pumpkin Carving

2010-10-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

We carved pumpkins this morning. It felt a little weird not having Brandon around for it. The past couple of years he's gotten really into the cool patterns and everything. This was just one more thing that wasn't quite the same without him. But we had fun. Kaalam stuck his hand into the pumpkin for the first time this year and Xander thinks that anything Kaalam does is worth trying, so he had no hesitation whatsoever.

Xander really didn't do much other than stab the inside of the pumpkin over and over again for a solid hour, but he had a lot of fun doing it.

The boys playing with their finished products. I actually got Kaalam to cut one of his own pumpkin eyes. Somehow he managed to pick what must have been the hardest pumpkin I have ever tried to carve and I told him so. He just nodded and said, "Yeah Mom. I sure did."

Happy Halloween!

boy vs fireman

2010-10-22T20:59:00.000-07:00

Kaalam told me today, "Mom, I like being a boy. I don't want to be a fireman. Wait. Is it OK if I'm a fireman and a boy?"

I told him that was probably going to be alright.

matching socks

2010-10-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

It probably says something about me as a mother that Kaalam got so excited this morning to see that his socks actually matched. I don't think he knew socks could come that way.

it's only been 12 hours

2010-10-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

Pictures of Brandon and I together are very rare. Pictures that I really like are even more rare. This picture I love. I think it might be my most favorite picture of the two of us since we got married. I love my sweet husband.:)

My awesome boys. That's my dad on the end. You can see all my boys fit together nicely.

I love my family. I love being a mom. I love being a wife. Brandon's gone right now working on an oil rig and I sent him off this morning with homemade banana bread and a picture book of us. It felt so old fashioned. I miss him already.

mangini farms

2010-10-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

I love Fall! When we were in Canada I got a whole month of real temperature dropping, leaf burning, harvest in full swing fall. I made sweaters for the boys that they wore for a solid month and they haven't been back into them since we got home. It's been too hot. Brandon isn't going to be here this year for Halloween and since getting home and everything feeling more like the end of August than the end of October I've been having a really hard time getting into the mood for Halloween.

We went to Mangini Farms this weekend though and it did help with my general mood a bit. The boys got to cuddle chickens and sheep and a bunny and go on a tractor ride and run through a corn maze and pick out their own tiny little pumpkins. I'm feeling a bit more excited about fall than I was. :)

Xander looks very serious, but he really is enjoying himself. New situations make him very thoughtful and he furrows his brow and thinks very hard about what's going on before he decides to loosen up. He's an analizer.

Xander especially loved chewing on the dried corn.

I can almost get everybody looking at the camera at the same time.

Any chance Kaalam has to run, he's happy. The corn maze is pretty small and mostly in a straight line so it's not that easy to lose them either. Lucky for us!

Xander loved picking up all the little pumpkins. And there were plenty small enough for him too.

I can always count on Kaalam for a bit of cheese. :)

I love the "Who are you and why are you sucking on my corn?" look on Xander's face.

Brandon pointed out that Xander's giving Kaalam the same look he just gave the cow.

My boys. I sure love 'em!

battling monsters

2010-10-18T12:22:00.001-07:00

We have some sort of flying ant migration going on outside right now and Kaalam just ran in yelling, "Mom! Mom! The bugs are getting in my ears. I need a sword!" The he grabbed his sword and ran back out to do battle. Good to know I've got protection when Brandon isn't around. :)

enchanted forest

2010-10-14T16:22:00.000-07:00

So Jeanette asked about the ugly thing between the boys in the picture up at the top and I realized I never posted about our trip to the Enchanted Forest. :) Years ago, (back in the 50's), some woman who lived in a tiny little logging town in the middle of nowhere British Columbia took up cement sculpture. She liked doing fairy tale creatures and made so many that eventually they spilled out of her yard into the surrounding forest and they decided to start charging entrance fee's. If you ever happen to travel through BC near Revelstoke, it's absolutely worth stopping to see. Especially if you have kids. She's still at it. They've got houses and scenes and just about every traditional fairy tale creature you can name. The one in the picture up top is the wicked witch. Most of it's interactive too.

This is "The Little Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe"s, shoe house. With as many kids as we were juggling, the picture seemed practically obligatory.

Some of her sculptures are cuter than others.

The Three Little Pig's brick house. All the other kids were already crammed inside.

And every once and a while I show up too. My sister-in-law and I tried to make a point of getting pictures of each other. We both have the same forever-stuck-behind-the-camera problem.

My two nieces with Snow White. The younger one kept trying to get the apple and yelling at Snow White to please not eat it. It's poison! Don't you know it's poison!? She seemed pretty serious.

Me and my two cool sister-in-law's on the yellow brick road.

This was meant to be just a picture of the kids, but it turned out we needed some wrangling done.

Seriously, if for any reason you ever end up in the interior of BC, it's worth taking the time to stop. There were huge tree houses to climb and little bear's beds to try out and they add to it each time we go. I love having family all over the place. We get to see so many different things.

gearing up for Halloween

2010-10-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

Kaalam is going as Robin Hood this year for Halloween. Brandon bought him a really nice little bow to use partly for his costume and partly so he could stop mangling out coat hangers. Guess why we haven't given Kaalam any arrows yet?

baby boom

2010-10-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other night that we got a phone call telling us that we were being given 4 1/2 month old twins, a boy and a girl. The weird thing was how totally Ok and completely prepared I felt for it. Then I woke up and panicked. We've been talking alot about when to start the adoption process again and have come to no clear conclusion. All we really know is that where we are now we simply, legally don't have room to adopt again and we certainly don't have the money. It's driving me nuts to not even have the option. Not that I'm ready for another one, and certainly not for twins, but a third adoption just keeps coming back into my brain. Probably partly because almost everybody I know is pregnant right now. In a way it was a really great thing for me to be able to spend the last 7 1/2 weeks up in Canada with my family. You know how everybody always seems to have babies all at once? Great big waves of pregnant women and newborns? I love my friends to death and I'm happy for every single one of them, but being so suddenly surrounded by the surge was really getting to me I think. I wonder if I'll ever get over that? I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I won't need to pull away? Where I won't have to catch my breath and remind myself that it's all Ok before I smile and say congratulations.

shooting people

2010-10-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

Conversation in the car:
Kaalam - "I want to be a police man when I grow up."
Me - "Really? Why."
Kaalam - "So I can shoot people."
Dad - "You want to shoot people when you grow up? Why?"
Kaalam - "So the firemen can come and save them. Yeah, I wanna be a doctor too."

give said the little stream

2010-09-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

On our way through Salt Lake the other night we were trying to find a radio station and came across one of the coolest versions of any primary song I've ever heard. It was a folksy sort of take on "Give Said the Little Stream" and I loved it! I went onto YouTube tonight trying to find it, and though I couldn't find the one I heard, I found this one instead. This girl's voice is absolutely beautiful! Thought I'd share.

Enjoy!

lots of random pictures

2010-09-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

Last week we went to a stake family activity and it was amazing! There were 5 bouncy castles, 3 that reached to the ceiling of the gym (two of them wouldn't fit inside), they had cotton candy and fishing for prizes, hamburgers and hotdogs, ice cream, games and animal balloons. . . Why can't our stake do things like that?

Kaalam was very impressed by the balloon man. He got an orange parrot.

This is the parrot. Xander thought it was pretty cool too.

Kaalam and Xander have become the very best of friends. I love it! The more agile Xander gets, the more they play and I love it. I love it! I love it!!

This is my mom and dad. They've been kind enough to take me and the boys in for the last 6 and a half weeks and I am so grateful. The boys have had such a fantastic stay. It helped being away from dad so long that they had fantastic grandparents to help fill the gaps.

Kaalam loves to cook and his favorite thing has been making cookies with Nana. Monday morning they made 17 dozen for the young adult ward home evening and every single cookie got eaten. So today Kaalam got to strap his apron on (courtesy of Grandma Hughes!) and get to work all over again. They didn't make so many this time, but Nana did finally manage to teach him to break his own eggs. About time! He's been scrambling them since he was 18 months!

Lots of cookie fun!

Mom's been gone the last 2 weeks helping Beth with her new baby (the baby's coming home from the hospital soon!!!) and Nana's been missed. Both boys are having such a great time now that she's back.

Xander didn't cook much, but he got to eat the spoils, and he loves the spoils! Who doesn't love cookie dough!

Writing on Stone

2010-09-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

We went to Writing-On-Stone Park yesterday. It was amazing! It's been raining here all weekend and as we drove in, the clouds were thick and dark and we were worried we'd get rained on, but almost the moment we drove in the clouds disappeared and the rest of the day was beautiful. And then it rained all day today. I think we hit the right window.

These are hoodoo's. They're rock sandstone rock formations that have formed along the riverbank for miles in the area and it's filled with ancient Indian carvings that you can still see today.

Xander thought his first climbing experience was pretty awesome.

And Kaalam loved that he could run. He ran down this little hill 5 times, making manly little grunt noises with every footfall.

My fam, looking out at the river below. I'm so happy the boys have gotten to spend this time with their Papa.

And every once and a while, I get proof that I exist too. :)

Another shot of the hoodoos. They really are beautiful. Especially in the fall.

This one gives you a sense of the scale. This hoodoo was pretty average sized. It's like climbing through a maze. Or a stone forest.

My intrepid explorer. He has absolutely no fear of heights and an unbelievable sense of balance. I love not having to worry about him. He seriously never falls.

After a picnic lunch we went down to the river. I wish we'd known how warm it was going to be, I would have brought swimsuits!

Xander was FREEZING but he didn't care. He bawled his eyes out when we finally pulled him out of the water.

Every once in a while he'll let me take a really great picture. He's developed a sense about when I have the camera out and he refuses to look at the camera, or to smile. I think I may have threatened him to get this picture. Just a little.

As we were coming out of the river, we ran into a bagpiper. How random is that? It didn't occur to me to get a picture, but both the boys were absolutely in love! The moment she started to play, Xander started bouncing up and down in my arms and Kaalam started skipping circles around Papa. He didn't stop until her song had finished. She was really good too.

May boys and their papa. I do wish we lived closer.

A lot of people don't like the prairie. They think it's flat and ugly with nothing at all to look at. But they just don't know what they're looking at. They can't stop long enough to watch a field of golden wheat breathe and flow in the wind, or look close enough to see a single blade of grass three different colors of fire. But most of all, they don't know how to look up.

I grew up watching the sky, and it's the thing I miss the most living in San Francisco. In San Francisco, it's clear skies all summer long and when the clouds finally roll in come winter, they're just a dull, solid haze of grey. I miss prairie skies. Skies with life in them. Skies that can take your breath away.

Fort Whoop Up

2010-09-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

This Saturday we went to Indian Battle Park. There's an old fort there called Fort Whoop Up that they've rebuilt in the last few years and it's very impressive. The cool thing was that almost none of it's roped off, so unlike other historic sites I've been to, you can touch every tool and handle every animal skin. It's even heated by old wood burning stoves in the winter. I'm thinking I'll definitely go again.

We all loved the animal skins. I kept wishing Brandon was there.

This was one room we could have spent a lot more time in. Everything was very well stocked.

We came out of the side and saw horses out in the field and we thought we'd go out and see them at the corral. When the horses came running to see us, we realized we were in the corral. Very cool. Kaalam and Xander both have a really intense love of animals that I am convinced comes from their birthmother, which I think is awesome. Neither one of them has any fear and they're both naturally very gentle. Watching Kaalam hang out with them made me really sad that I didn't live in a place where we could give him more of this.

Xander is kissing the goat. Open mouthed and slobbery.

Mmmmm. . . Yummy.

He gets prettier by the day. :)

Yee Haw!!

sometimes I wonder. . .

2010-09-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

We went to Stake Conference this morning and the boys did a whole lot better than I thought they would. It's hard enough to get them through 1 hour of sacrament so 2 hours of Stake Conference without my husband was really stressing me out. There were a number of really good talks that the kids actually let me listen to and I never once wound up on the hallway. I came close near the end of the second hour right in the middle of the one talk of the conference directed at mothers. I heard almost none of what was said over the fussing of my baby and while digging Kaalam out from under the row of seats ahead of me. From what little I did manage to hear, it was a great talk.

But I did wonder - why would you schedule a talk directed at mothers in the last half an hour of a two hour conference, after all the kids have hit their breaking point and none of the mothers are capable of listening to a word that's said anyway? It sounded like it was very specifically directed at young mothers, but most of the young mothers that weren't wrestling their kids in the room were out walking their kids in the hallway that didn't have any sound. It sounded like a great talk. I really wanted to hear what she said. I may have come away hearing something I needed to hear. I'm sure it just didn't occur to anyone to even think about it.

Just a thought.

The rest of conference was pretty great though. :)

park day

2010-09-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Brandon hasn't seen the kids for about 3 weeks now, so I'm making an effort to get some pictures up. And I get to play with my new camera. :) This morning I took the boys to the park I grew up on. I love the slide. It was built when people still thought slides ought to actually slide.

Xander found a new love of Pringles today. I'm a little bothered by the "whole wheat" claim. That's like whole wheat Fruit Loops. Is it really any healthier?

Man, he's a good looking kid.

Our Pringle picnic. :)

Xander's keeping up with Kaalam now. Cool!

I love his smiles!

This one too. :) I've got great looking kids!!

Waterton

2010-09-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

My favorite childhood tradition was going to Waterton Parks every Labor day weekend. I don't think we made it every year, but we tried. (It's the Canadian half of Glacier National Parks if you're wondering.)

We started the boys out at the Bison Paddock. Both boys were impressed. Kaalam was disapponted that they wouldn't come over and get petted and I was kicking myself for not remembering that fall in Canada is cold. What's wrong with me leaving the coats at home? Too much time in warmer climates I think.

This one made it to my desktop. :)

And no trip to Waterton is ever complete without running into the deer herds. Kaalam walked about 3 feet from one of them. She ignored him completely. Growing up I thought being that close to wildlife was normal.

We did some hiking. . .

And some touristing. . .

And Xander loved being pushed around on the bumpy paths. When we went down to the town site for lunch we had about 8 or 9 people stop and comment on his sweater which made me feel awesome, because I just finished it last week. I'm so proud of myself. :)

Bird's eye view.

I'm loving the multi-shot feature on this camera. I couldn't get him to look at me for anything today and if I hadn't had my finger on the button already I would never have captured this smile. He flashed it at me then ran. I'm so in love!

Cameron Lake is one of my favorite places to cross-country ski in the winter. You can ski straight across the open lake when conditions are right and there is nothing at all like the silence of a snowed-in pine forest.

We tried to make it up to Red Rocks and drove almost 30 minutes in to find out the road was closed. Like they couldn't have put up a sign a bit sooner? But I wouldn't have gotten to stop and get this picture, so I guess it might have been a little worth it. In the first Lord of the Rings Bilbo tells Gandalf about his yearning to see mountains again and every time I watch that movie I think, "yeah. . ." Oh how I miss these places.

That bandwagon's looking good. . .

2010-09-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

While we were at the beach in BC my baby broke my sister-in-laws camera by mushing it front-first into the sand. I was talking to Brandon about replacing it when I found out they had used the opportunity to upgrade to an really snazzy Canon with interchangeable lens's and everything. A "real" camera.

Then we came home, and karma being what it is, I promptly lost my camera with video of my babies first steps on it. I searched for a week and a half for it and came up empty. I'm pretty sure it got left at the park and someone else is now the proud new owner of a 14megapixal point-and-shoot. So I found that I was also, suddenly in the market for a new camera. So I started looking around and found a great deal on a camera very similar to my sister-in-law's camera that I was happy to have found. It was on sale for about 100$ off. Then I found it at Walmart for 100$ less than the really great sale price that I was already willing to live with. I am now the very proud owner of a very nice camera that I have absolutely no idea how to use. But it sure looks pretty when you pull it out of the case.

And it takes FANTASTIC pictures. I took these this afternoon while I was still trying to figure out where all the buttons were and what on earth all the abreviations mean. I cannot wait to be able to actually use it!

banff

2010-08-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

I hate to spread stereotypes about Canada but this was the view out of our window on the way to Banff. I'd been dreaming about seeing snow. Hail was the best I was going to get. Still impressive though.

I love Banff.

If I could raise my kids here I would.

I love this little boy too.

Xander was the only one really excited about group pictures.

He seems to like the outdoors. Yeah!!

I can't wait to take them back again. We've been through Banff several times, but always just driving through. We need to plan a longer trip.

trip to Canada

2010-08-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, we started on our big trip to Canada. We started out visiting our friends in Utah. It's an awful long drive from California to Alberta, so Utah's an awfully convinient stop for us. We took a day to hang out,, go to the park, and just generally take a day off from driving. Hooray for having friends all over! :)

Xander was pretty wiped out by the drive.

Kaalam was pretty helpful, especially when it came to packing the car.

And the boys got along pretty well. We had one bad hour every day just before lunch, but other than that, they had a good time playing together. Road trips aren't nearly as bad as you'd think if the kids are used to it.

Xander's getting to be a real traveller.

Once we got to Nana's house, we had a great time with all the cousins in Nana's new bouncy castle.

Annd in Nana's pool. We were lucky to be there on a warm day.

Papa loved having everybody home!

my two favorite conversations so far this week

2010-08-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

So my little niece Cami who's 5 comes and sits next to Kaalam on the couch last week and they start talking.

Cami - "Kaalam? Did you know you can't marry your cousin? You'll end up with two heads. And I don't want to end up like that."

Kaalam - "Oh. Ok." And an understanding little nod.

The second conversation was this morning. My niece Emma who's 6 comes into my room wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a sun hat.

Emma - "You know what Auntie Amy? I don't have on any underwear. Nana said I should just wear this going to the beach because I got real sunburned and I shouldn't wear my bathing suit so I don't get more sunburned and I just put on this because Nana said to wear it to the beach and so I don't have on any underwear."

Me - "So. . . Nana told you not to wear your underwear?"

Emma - "Oh. Wait. Nana didn't say a single word about that."

Once the question was asked, she was promptly told by Nana to please go put on some underwear.

cool

2010-08-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things will creep up on you from out of nowhere. We were in the car the other day and I was talking to Brandon about us only having boys so far and my sister only girls. And I asked what it would be like if you could only have just one or the other? Once you had your first boy, you knew that's all you'd ever have. All sorts of story possibilities started opening up and all of the sudden I've got pages and pages filled about culture and world setting and too many possible plot hooks to count. I love it when this happens. :)

Happy Hughes Day!

2010-08-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

On Friday afternoon, Xander's adoption was finally, finally finalized! We're so excited. We can finally get him blessed and sealed and as the judge was speaking, I got all teary and nearly cried. We started the day with poppy seed pancakes and sang "Happy Hughes Day to You". Kaalam spent the rest of the day giving Xander kisses and singing to him. I'm not sure Kaalam actually got what was going on, but whatever it was, he was excited about it.

At the courthouse there were a couple other families also finalizing and it gave the boys kids to play with while we waited. Kaalam managed to get his own personal tour of one of the courtrooms and the offices and a couple of dum dums to boot. It was a great day. This judge said the same thing the last one did, and that's how much he loves adoption day. Normally he spends his days dealing with people on their way to state prison or juvenile hall. It's only sometimes that he gets to go home having been a part of something trully wonderful.

I love this kid!

My boys!

I love baby smiles!

happy birthday zander!!

2010-07-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

Monday Xander turned 1 year old! I am so in love with this little boy. He is so sweet. His birthday present to me was that he stood up on his own for the very first time. I am so anxious to have him walking!

Kaalam picked out some presents for Xander - a little ball and a bunch of rubber animals (including a rubber chicken). Xander has yet to be able to play with any of them.

But he did get cake and he was impressed.

Kaalam had to take his turn blowing out a candle.

He's kind of freaking me out. Where'd my baby go? Says the mom who can't wait for him to start walking. :)

After dinner Brandon and I were playing with Xander and lost track of Kaalam for a while. We found him in the kitchen doing the dishes. He'd cleared the table without us noticing and was rinsing every dish. My kids rock!

While Kaalam was busy with dad finishing the kitchen, Xander got a bath to soak off all that chocolate. I love the little curl of hair! Kaalam's hair was so fair we could never see his.

Like I said, I am so in love with this little boy. Motherhood has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. I get frustrated sometimes because I don't have the time I'd like to have to do the things I want to do and sometimes it feels like my own life has come to a screaching halt. But then Kaalam gets up and does the dishes, or Xander wraps his face into my neck and giggles and everything else doesn't matter anymore. But it's all going by so fast. My "Baby Xander" isn't a baby anymore. I wish I could hold onto this forever.

boys!!

2010-07-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

Kaalam came to me this morning thrilled to let me know he had just put a potato bug in his ear. Sure enough, there it was, curled into it's tight little ball, just ready to open up and crawl in deeper than I could reach. We got it out fine and I've threatened Kaalam with his life if he does it again, but it's left me wondering. Do mother's of girl's ever deal with this sort of thing?

lake-a-bugs

2010-07-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

My son LOVES bugs with all his little heart and soul. He once told me that a slug he found was beautiful and spent quite a while petting it, excited that it was "slippery". If it's small, if it's ugly, it's his new best friend. But of all the bugs in the world, lake-a-bugs (lady bugs) are his absolute favorite. Dad is a bit of a sucker when it comes to Kaalam so when Kaalam wanted to go look at the tadpoles in the pond at the plant nursery, they came back with a tub full of lake-a-bugs. The best 6 bucks of Kaalam's life.

Just in case you were wondering what a tub of ladybugs looks like.

Kaalam and dad opened the tub and the ladybugs crawled out and Kaalam was in heaven. We don't really have aphids in our garden so it's been a while since he's been able to find even one let alone a couple hundred. We were lucky enough to have them stick around for a couple of days at least. Long enough for Kaalam to see them go a few at a time and get his fill for the summer. He hasn't been so desperately lonely for lake-a-bugs since.

I love the one on his face. :)

pirate festival

2010-06-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

Aren't these the cutest little almost pirates you've ever seen? We didn't really do much as far as costumes this year, but we did break out the hats, and the little matching pirate shirts and Kaalam had a few scars that rubbed off pretty quick into the day. Can I just say how in love I am with this stroller? We packed the kids, sweaters, food and water for six people into the back pouch and it wasn't crowded.

Xander wasn't too thrilled about the pirates. But he was thrilled about the food. He's always very interested in food. He is finally getting to the age where he's starting to get interested in watching things going on around him, so mostly I think he had a pretty good day.

Just like last time Kaalam was more excited about racing the boats in the water than anything else that he saw. We can't wait to take him on a ride in Papa's canoe!

He also got a kick out of trying on the cool costume stuff that was for sale. Especially the hats.

But really, who wouldn't want to spend the day hanging out with cool people like Carl and Ashley?

Or even hanging out with these guys?

Or him?

(Few hundred years ago that would have been Carl.

Hee hee!)

I threw this one in because pictures of me are almost non-existent. What is the issue with men and cameras?

Kaalam is still talking about the live owl he got to cuddle up with.

And I think he may have found his future career path already. He got up into the coast guard boat 3 times and we had to drag him out every time. He screamed and cried when we left saying he wanted to go in the boat again. He kept telling me he was going to use the boat to "save people".

Xander spent most of the day hanging out in the stroller. He didn't seem to mind. His hair is coming in not that much darker than Kaalam's. It's awful pretty.

And one of all my boys together. Xander really liked the boats too. Sadly I didn't get a picture of the actual pirate ship they had sailing up and down the marina. It had several masts, blood red sails, flew the Jolly Roger and was manned by pirates in costume. Apparently you can book 3 hour tours of the area on it. Cool.

9 years

2010-06-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary. I didn't remember that until Sunday night after I'd already invited the missionaries to dinner, so we won't be doing much today except making dinner and tending to sick kiddies.

I must say, I am a very happily married woman. It's been 9 really wonderful years. There have been a lot of very hard years mixed in but looking back, I've been happy.

If someone had told me 9 years ago that there would come a time when I would find watching Brandon clean puke out of my kid's blankets one of the most romantic moments of my marriage I would have laughed out loud. But the other night at 1:30 in the morning when we were both exhausted and both kids were crying and our house reaked, I watched Brandon get up without needing to be asked and without complaint, strip the blankets off the bed and set to work at cleaning them out so that I could clean and comfort Kaalam and I realized all over again just how much I love him. I can't imagine life any other way.

Nine years ago today we knelt in the Palmyra Temple and were sealed together for eternity. It was the single best choice I have ever made. I love my dear sweet husband.

xander is almost a year

2010-06-16T16:22:00.000-07:00

I don't post as much as I should on Xander I think. He's just such a mellow kid sometimes it's hard to know what to say. He's his brother's oppposite in so many ways. He's quiet, he doesn't mind in the least being left alone to play with his toys, you have to work to hear him laugh and he's just so calm all the time. He's just content. That's probably the best word to discribe him - content. Not in a big hurry to do anything, happy to just lay back and enjoy things as they are right at the moment. Not that he doesn't have a sense of humor, he just doesn't show it out loud the way Kaalam does. Which means I'm in trouble. Kaalam I'm always going to see coming. I'll never suspect Xander until it's too late.

Who doesn't love chocolate?

He's getting into everything lately and once he realizes he can get to it, he will not be deterred. This was the third time in about a half an hour that he got into that drawer. I've moved the straws. :)

It's so weird to think he's almost a year old. How has a year gone by already? I haven't had time to see any of it! Kaalam's first year took forever and he was always in a hurry to get on with his life. Xander's happy to sit and watch and his first year's gone by in a rush. How is that fair?

A year ago we weren't sure we were ready for two and now I can't imagine my life without more. Not that I'm ready for three, but I find myself looking forward to three. Kaalam was such a handfull that I think he got me ready for anything any other kid could throw at me and Xander's been so easy that I've forgotten what a handfull really felt like. They're setting me up I think.

mr. happy

2010-06-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

The last couple of week's I've been taking Kaalam to the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning. Xander get's a nap, Brandon gets a few hours to himself and I get to spend time with Kaalam. I'm loving it. The first week we went, Kaalam fell in love with Tai Chi, and he's been doing it in our living room ever since. This week he ran straight to the Tai Chi spot and got really upset when he couldn't find them again. I'm hoping they'll make another appearance sometime.

The big attraction this time was the face painting. I've never been able to get him to do it before but this time he was really excited. Kid's were getting dragon, and kitties and butterflies, but from the moment he saw it, he wanted a blue happy face. She had a plastic tablecloth with happy faces on it and he would not change his mind. He was so excited! When it was his turn he got inexplicably shy , but he could still point at the happy faces when she asked him what he wanted. He's in love with our Mr Happy book and he points out Mr Happy anywhere he see's them. He's my Mr. Happy.

The first week we splashed in the fountains, but this week, with the fresh paint job I thought frozen yogurt would work out better. Kaalam was so excited about getting to serve himself. He loaded up on anything that even remotely resembled chocolate.

After a few minutes inside, Kaalam decided to "picnic" outside. I can't afford all the prices at the Farmer's Market (who has 7$ for a dozen eggs?) but it's going to be worth going anyway, just for the time with Kaalam. I'm loving it!

Pirate Festival

2010-06-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend is the Pirate Festival in Valejo!! I can't wait. It's free, it's a whole lot of fun and it's on Saturday and Sunday all day on the marina in Valejo. They are trying to break the world record for the most pirates in a single gathering (bet you didn't know there was one!), so dress up! Release your inner pirate! You can see info on it all here.

Argggh!

learning every day

2010-06-10T21:19:00.000-07:00

Years ago, my mom was going through a difficult phase of raising children. She had 6 children, all either leaving or entering their teenage years and I can rightfully imagine she was feeling overwhealmed by the magnitude of this responsibility. In particular, she was having problems with my sister and I. At that age, Beth and I had never yet been very close (though things got much better as we got older) and mom, never having had any previous experience with raising teenage daughters, was struggling. She went to a friend to get advice. Her friend had an excelent relationship with her daughters and mom wanted to know, what was the secret? What was she doing differently, that could be taught, passed on?

Her friend thought for a moment, and with tact and grace, asked the question, "Sharon, Do you enjoy your daughters?". Her friend's answer took my mom totally by surprise and that wisely asked question was the foundation of what has since become a wonderful, close and very loving relationship between mother and daughters.

I was preparing to become a mother myself when my mom told me this story and it has become one of the things I fall back on in my own parenting. When things get difficult and I find myself feeling overwhelmed and worn through, I remember to ask myself the question, "Are you enjoying your children?". At those moments, I take the time to readjust my thinking, re-order my priorities and remind myself that I am so blessed to have two such beautiful spirits in my home. It's often those moments when I realize that I've let myself become resentful of the things I'm missing out on in my own life. I don't have the time I need to focus on writting. I don't have time to read. I don't have time to finish projects that I start or serve to my fullest in callings I have or generally just do things that I want to do, but none of those things matter if I forget to enjoy my children. It's only a few short years before they grow and are gone and these years will never come back.

I have come to realize through the years that happiness is a choice. I've had people actually get insulted and angry at me for saying so, but I am convinced that it is true. If you are unhappy, change it. If you don't enjoy your life, learn to. If you feel like your life is spinning out of control, get up out of bed in the morning and take your life back, but most of all, be aware that if you don't, that is also a choice. Motherhood is difficult. My oldest son is swinging full throttle into being a three year old boy, my baby has been fussy for weeks with no discernable cause. These years are so hard, but they are so precious, and if I don't make the time in my life to enjoy my children while they are here I will miss out on so many blessed moments, and I will never be able to make up later for what I couldn't be for them now.

Five years from now my children will both be in school. I don't know if I will ever be blessed to adopt another child. I don't know if these are the only years I will have. But even if we are able to have more children, even if I somehow get to prolong the time with little ones in my home, sooner or later the years of little ones giggling and screaming and cuddling and crying will all be gone and I will never regret having taken the time to enjoy my children while they are still children. I will never regret the choice to embrace this phase of my life and learn to love my children as they are right now, tantrums and all. And it is something that sometime's needs to be learned.

I will always be grateful for my mom's dear friend's advice. Her question resonates into the second generation in our family and hopufully will continue into my own children's home's someday. I learn and re-learn everyday to love the life that I have, and the children that are in my home.

We have been so blessed.

living the life of queens

2010-06-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

Monday is my cleaning day. Has been for a very long time. It's the one day of the week that I do all the floor washing, vaccuming, window washing, laundry and general picking up around the house. Dusting too when I have time for it. A lot of people have called me crazy, but I've found that it is so much easier to live in a house that only requires maintenance through the week than a house that is constantly needing to be "caught up with". I've gotten to where I can usually have all the cleaning done by about 3 or 4 and then the rest of the night and the rest of the week is easy.

I'm usually pretty done in by the time Brandon gets home from work though. It's a lot of work to squeeze into a single day. This week I was just finishing folding all the laundry when Xander got up from his nap. I brought him into my room so he wouldn't wake Kaalam and the very first thing he did was start climbing over the piles of folded clothes, undoing everything I'd just done. I was really annoyed for a few minutes. I was tired, I'd worked hard all day and he was messing it all up! How dare he make me re-fold the laundry?

And then I started laughing.

How many generations of women who came before me would have killed to have folding the laundry be the hardest part of doing the laundry? I did 7 loads in a single day and felt like it was a big deal, but all I really did was switch it from one machine to the next and put it away when it was done. We are living the lives of kings and queens and we don't even realize it.

We have more free time to pursue personal interests than any other generation of women who has ever come before us. How many hours a week do we spend on our own personal entertainment- watching TV, surfing the internet, reading books and doing hobbies? And then we complain that our lives are too busy and too hard.

Not that being a mother is easy, because it's not. Raising children is exhausting no matter what generation you're from, but I can have dinner on the table in less than twenty minutes on any given weeknight. I don't normally even have to decide what to make until it's almost time to eat. I don't have to cook my own bread, raise my own chicken, grow my own vegetable garden to get food on my table. I don't have to beat the rugs by hand to get them clean. I will probably never have to use a washboard to do my laundry. I don't have to sew my children's clothing by hand one stitch at a time, or darn my husband's socks, or milk my own cow, or take a wagon into town to buy groceries. I'll probably never have to take the time to preserve enough of my own food to make it through the winter. I've never had to draw water from a well and carry in to the house. I don't have to cook over an open fire.

It put things in perspective for me. I've done a lot of the thing's on the "never have to" list, like bake my own bread, but as hobbies, and only because it interested me at the time. Idle curiosity. Not because the survival of my family depended upon it. My life isn't nearly as hard as I sometime's like to think that it is. We're spoiled rotten and we don't even know it. It made me really grateful to live when I do. In other generations, it wouldn't even have been physically possible to get the amount of work done in a single day that I did.

Hooray for electric washing machines, automatic dishwasher's and store bought bread!
I am so grateful for thee!! :)

pots and pans

2010-06-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Has there ever been a kid who didn't think their mom's pots and pans were the coolest toys ever?

family

2010-06-07T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today as I was putting Kaalam to bed I carried him up the stairs and he wrapped himself around my neck and asked, “Mom? Is this a home?” I said “Yes honey, this is a home.” Then he asked, “Mom, is this a family?” I told him that yes, we were a family. Then I told him that I loved him and that family and home were the most important things ever and he hugged me tighter and nodded his little head and said, “Yeah.” It was pretty sweet.

purple eyebrows

2010-06-05T22:25:00.001-07:00

Xander's eyebrows get red when he cries. How cute is that?

strangers from the outside

2010-05-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we got the chance to go to Pixar Animation Studios for a tour. How cool is that? Apparently you can't normally take tours, the only way to get in is to know someone who works there. Just so happens we do! We started out with lunch out on the lawn. They have a really fantastic cafeteria, and really beautiful grounds with plenty of space for the kids to wear themselves out on. We're trying very hard to figure out what they did with the pizza to make it taste so darn good. I think I mostly have it down and if it works, I'll be posting on it soon over on I Hear Exercise Will Kill You. It involved steak, fresh tomatoes, fresh ground pepper, parsley and olive oil. Yummy!

Xander's new game involves singing into cups. Doesn't matter who's or what was in it, just as long as he can get an echo.

Isn't he just the prettiest little boy ever? I love this age!! He gets more wonderful every day. AND he's sleeping through the night consistently. Woo Hoo!

In front of the building they have the big lamp and ball from the movies. This picture gives you a pretty good idea of the scale. Apparently the lamp is functional and they turn it on at night. Cool.

Xander is a total mamma's boy, but he's definitely decided that dad's pretty OK too. :)

They had statues all over the place of some of their character's from the movies and Kaalam kept running over to each and saying "take my picture mom!". Sadly I didn't get a good picture of him with the life sized lego recreations of Woody and Buzz. The inside of the building was beautiful! You could definitely tell that they went out of their way to foster an atmosphere of creativity. There was artwork everywhere and a lot of the walls were brick and they had arched bridges on the second floor. I wouldn't mind working there. I wouldn't have anything to offer them, but the environment just made you want to be there.

Kaalam liked the Monsters Inc statues best.

I just thought this was cute.

The cool thing was that they had the whole story of Toy Story 3 up on the walls, so we now have a pretty good idea what's going to happen, but they had us sign non-disclosure agreements when we came in, so we won't be able to say anything until the movie comes out. But it's going to be good! I can't wait to see it. Oh! And we got to see John Lasseter. He passed us in the hall.

June 18!!!

one last rainy day

2010-05-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

Kaalam loves a rainy day, but sadly, they are coming to an end here. One of the things I will never get used to is having no rain of any kind for 6 months out of the year. I hate it! My kids hate it! Sunny weather all the time gets depressing after a while. I like an environment with character and personality.

Anyway, with the rain this week I thought we should try to enjoy ourselves while we still could. I told Kaalam it was going to rain and he got himself all dressed up and stood by the window for a half an hour waiting for the rain to start. The moment it started to drizzle, he was out the door.

He loves his cow "brellela" and discovered this week that it's not only good for keeping the rain off his head, but it's good for catching the rain too.

Even in the rain I can't keep this kid away from the bugs. All he wants to do lately is hunt for spiders and centipedes and worms. Which I'm OK with because it gives me an excuss to work in my garden. I love finding him things. Every time either of us finds a bug, it's like won a treasure.

garbage can

2010-05-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to buy a garbage can? Probably it's only hard for Brandon and I but for some reason, I have issues. We've needed a new garbage can for about as long as Xander has been alive. The lid's been broken and we've had to lift it manually because the little pop up button was missing it's spring. For a long while it wasn't too big of a problem, partly because it kept Kaalam out of the garbage, but we've been aware that it was time for a replacement now for quite some time.

So we've gone to the store to buy a new one about 9 times now. It shouldn't be that hard. It's a plastic cylinder with a lid. But for some reason when we stand in front of them at the store we just cannot seem to make ourselves pick one out. Do we want it rounded? Do we want it squared off? How tall? How wide? Apparently we have problems with commitment.

Now the lid on our garbage can is missing. I think it must have fallen into the garbage and been thrown out and now we're at the moment when we will be forced to buy. I haven't gone to the store yet. I'm scared! I'll actually have to pick one up and bring it home and it's purchase will probably not change my life in any way whatsoever, but still, I am avoiding.

Man, are we pathetic.

bored, bored, bored

2010-05-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

So, I'm posting again, largely because I'm bored and stuck on the couch and have absolutely nothing else to do. I strained my lower back on Thursday putting Xander down for his nap and when it happened, I hurt so bad I couldn't move. Brandon had to carry me down the stairs to get me to the couch. Kaalam, showing me once again that he's the sweetest little boy in all the world, tried to help Dad carry me and kept asking what was wrong. When he finally realized it was my back he stuck his little hands under my back and rubbed real hard for about a minute or so. Then he straightened up and asked, "All better mom?". He's been trying real hard to help out ever since.

Sunday I got to stay home from church because of it, which was sort of all right with me anyway. On top of not having to hear the predictable, mother's-ought-to-be-cherished-because-they-went-through-labor sacrament talk, I got three hours to soak in a hot bath and do a face mask, which I don't think I've done since Xander was born, I made myself a homemade sugar body scrub, which I know I haven't done in at least a year and at the end of it all, I got to take a nap. And since I knew how long church was going to be, I didn't have to rush, just in case one of the boys woke up from a nap too soon. I think I might want to make a habit of straining my back every Mother's Day. :)

I'm getting better now, and I'm mostly back to mobile. We went to Walmart yesterday and Brandon got to pull everything down off the shelf for me. His mom's getting back surgery soon and I think he's scared to death that if I make my back any worse, that could be me in a few years. This is probably the 5th or 6th time I've hurt this same spot on my back in the last 6 years. I went to the doctor once. He barely looked at it and sent me home without even an x-ray. I'm thinking next time I should wail a little louder to get his attention? I hate doctors. I don't go to the doctor unless I think I'm in need of one. I'm probably not going back to that one.

Fortunately for me, I'm Canadian and have access to all sorts of wonderful over-the-counter drugs that you can't get here except by perscription. (hee hee!!). I figure if the doctor's not going to do anything, I might as well. I'm running low on my muscle relaxers though and I'm starting to hoard. I just have to convince myself that if I keep taking them, I'll be better in a few days, and I'm going home in August. Plenty of time to re-stock then.

So, now you all know almost nothing more about me than you did when you started reading this post, but it wasted a good half an hour in the writing, so now I have less time left to figure out how to fill. Brandon made me promise that I'd stay laying down during nap time and that I'd try not to clean, or lift anything heavy if I could avoid it. Of course, Xander's 21 pounds now and in a crib, so it's been somewhat unavoidable. Maybe I'll go take another hot bubble bath. Maybe I'll mix up another body scrub. I'm starting to kind of not mind being laid up for a while. :) I should do this more often!

sometimes I have courage

2010-05-10T15:24:00.000-07:00

I am very proud of us today. Brandon and I were at Walmart and when we were in the checkout line, I started paying attention and realized that Kaalam was standing face to face with the Cosmo magazine. The model had cleavage hanging out to her belly button and it's only a short matter of time before Kaalam's old enough to read and start asking questions about the titles. Normally I wouldn't have even noticed, but last week I was reading over on Diapers and Divinity about this exact situation. So I pointed it out to Brandon, told him it was inappropriate and asked him if he wanted to talk to the store manager or should I? Fortunately for me I have a husband who likes to take the lead in the public relations of our lives, so he asked to talk to the store manager. (I don't do confrontation well. Even polite confrontation.)

Anyway, Brandon talked to the store manager and asked if those magazines could be located somewhere other than eye level to children, or could they even have a guard put up the way they do in the grocery stores? She said she would talk to the magazine vendors and find a way to move the magazines. Just like that. Wasn't so bad after all.

On the way home I got to thinking. That's all good for our store (obviously we're still waiting to see if anything changes anyway) but what about all the other Walmarts? Probably the vast majority of their customers are parents with children, precisely because their prices are so low. I shouldn't have to walk into any of their stores and worry about what my kids are going to have to stare at as we stand in line.

So while I might not be very brave when it comes to face to face conversation, I can very easily write an email. I've emailed Walmart's corporate headquarters and explained my concerns, and asked for a change. Not something I ever saw myself doing, but while I don't have TV and I get to completely control what comes into my home, I don't have much say when it comes to everything my boys are going to get exposed to outside of my home. So what small things I can do, I need to do. The world is getting to be a scary place and someday I'm going to have to send my kids out into it.

One of the quotes I read over on Diapers and Divinity was this :

I truly believe that one virtuous young woman or young man, led by the Spirit, can change the world, but in order to do so, we must return to virtue. . . I testify that we will be enabled and strengthened not only to do hard things but to do all things. Now is the time for each of us to arise and unfurl a banner to the world calling for a return to virtue. Elaine S. Dalton

Saying something today wasn't that hard. Hopefully it makes a difference. If it doesn't, I've already made up my mind to say something again, and again after that if I have to. It felt good. It felt right. If enough of us speak up, changes will happen. Cool huh?

i am grateful for my infertility

2010-05-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is sort of a mixed bag for me. I love my mom, (yeah mom!), I am a mom, (at long last!), but I can't seem to approach this day without looking back at all the years of struggle that got me to this. For a lot of years, I really hated this day. All I wanted for mother's day was to not have to spend one more day, on top of all the other days, going to church and being so very, very directly reminded of all the things that I wasn't, and all the things I might never get to be. It was a miserable day, and I hated it.

But I'm a mom now. I get to go to church and listen to the little primary kids sing and know that a year from now, that'll be Kaalam up there singing. I get to hold my sons on my lap and give them a kiss and know that they have finally made me who I always wanted so badly to be. I get to accept the little flower and not feel like a liar, or like I was being lied to.

My heart goes out to the women who are still struggling to become mothers, still trying to become what it sometimes seems like every other woman has, but you never will. One in eight couples struggle with infertility. That's a whole lot of couples. Most people around them never know, and if they do, most will never understand. It's a long, hard, lonely road filled with heartache, longing, desperation and often isolation. Having gone through it, I would never wish it on anyone.

But more and more, I am becoming aware of the spiritual blessings and growth that I have been able to receive because of it. I am more filled with faith, more filled with a confidence in the love of my Heavenly Father than I ever was before. I have a deeper understanding of my role as mother, I have a greater understanding of the plan God has for me and a better vision of the temple and of the eternities than I ever had before. I have a deeper testimony than I ever have had in all my life. I know God lives. I know he knows, and loves me. I know that he has been with me through my trials.

Life is hard. I have come to understand that. I don't believe that this trial was necesarily micro-mananged into my life. I don't believe that God made me infertile so that I would adopt. I don't believe that He made Veronica get pregnant so that I could have children. I do believe that my Heavenly Father knew that I would not be able to have children. I believe that he guided Veronica and her family to find us. I believe that He is aware enough of us and our lives to be able to guide us in our decisions, to put us in the right places to find the solutions that we need. I believe that he prompts our agency, but I don't believe he ever interferes with it.

Years ago when the Teton Dam broke, members of the church wanted to know what they had done wrong that God would punish them so. A General Authority came to answer that question. It was not the answer they expected. He told them that sometimes it's nobody's fault. Sometimes the dam just breaks.

In my life, infertility has been my broken dam. It's a trial that has had nothing to do with me really. My body wasn't reacting to a choice that I or anyone else in my life ever made. My greatest trial had nothing to do with my wrong choices. It had nothing to do with anyone elses. I was not being punished for anything I had done, though it took me many years to come that realization. What I have come to understand is that God does not shield us from our lives. Life. Is. Hard. It's hard for everyone. He cannot change that. He cannot make the path clearer than what life will allow. Many people's lives are more difficult because of poor choices, and self imposed consequences, but even in the absense of that, even when you've spent your life following all the rules, going on a mission, marrying in the temple, doing every last thing that you're supposed to do, there are dam's that break. That's what happens. It's what we agreed to before we came here.

But, though He cannot keep us from suffering, I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who comforts us when we do. I am greatful for a Heavenly Father who can guide me to find strengths in my soul and depths of my character that would never have been found without my trials and without His spirit guiding me. I am thankful for His love. I am grateful for his patience. And though it's taken me years to get to this point, I am finally able to say that I am grateful for my trials.

happy bithmother's day

2010-05-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Today is Birthmother's Day. And this, is our beautiful birthmother. Her name is Veronica, and I love her with all of my heart. We were blessed to get the chance to spend some time with her and her family while we were in Colorado and I'm so glad that we did. When Kaalam first saw her, he gasped in joy, gave her a big hug and then ran off to play with his cousins. Later, when she asked him if he knew who she was, he shrugged his little shoulders and said, "You're the Tummy Mummy", like it was perfectly obvious and he didn't know how she couldn't know the answer to that question. Xander pretty much spent the time giving her very thoughtful looks like he should know her, he just couldn't quite figure out how. I'll make sure he figures it out. :)

Her dad brought the boys a bunch of Hot Wheels cars. Some to play with and some to store. He buys a complete set, including all the collectibles and "special" cars for each grandhild for the year that they are born. We have one box in the closet for Kaalam, and now one for Xander. I am so grateful to be a part of this tradition. I love that my boys have such a large family to love them.

We watched "The Blind Side" last night and I just about cried my way through the whole darn thing. But there was one moment especially that really struck home for me. Sandra Bullock is in the Social workers office and they tell her that they'll be able to pretty much sign custody right over to her, and she asks, "You mean you'd give him away without his mother even knowing?". Then she goes searching for her boy's mom, because his mother mattered. She understood the importance of her son's mother in his life. I couldn't imagine raising my boys without including their birthmother in their lives. She is a sweetheart, and she loves them. She always will. She made a sacrifice for them that I can hardly even begin to understand and I will always choose to honor her for that.

I love Veronica, with all my heart. My son's are a part of her and she will always be a part of our family.

Happy Birthmother's Day.

We love you!!! :)

lessons learned from Thomas the Train

2010-05-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Thomas the Train with Kaalam and so far I have learned that the greatest goal in life ought to be usefulness, the worst sin you can commit is to cause confusion and delay and if you fail to be useful, or cause too much confusion and delay, you ought to be in mortal fear of being sent to the smelter for scrap. Apparently these are kiling offenses on Sodor. You know what I want to see? I want to see an engine actually get scrapped and sent to the smelter. It must happen, they're all terrified.

Do I really want my kid watching a show that infers that he might need to fear for his little life should he cause too much confusion, or fail to be useful? I've also learned that you really can make a lot of money on almost no budget and with almost no effort. I'm not so sure I see what Kaalam sees in this show.

snow days

2010-05-06T14:10:00.000-07:00

I finally decided it was time to get caught up on our Colorado pictures from the last few weeks. It was quite the trip, with a whole lot of adventure packed in. On the first day we decided to get as far as Reno and on the way, we found snow! It took a few minutes for Kaalam to get his snow legs, but with the weather so warm and the snow so perfect, we couldn't have asked for a better day. The first thing out of the car Kaalam saw a little boy throwing a snow ball and his little jaw dropped and he asked, "What is he doing?" I showed him how to throw one himself and it was love. He would have skipped the whole trip, Grandparents and all for the chance to play longer in the snow.

Brandon was able to borrow a sled from a friendly family and Kaalam got his first taste of sledding on a real sled. Last year he and Brandon both made due with a frisbe on icy snow patches at a truck stop. It was an interesting fit. He had a very hard time letting dad give the sled back when they were done. I think we must have had it for a good 45 minutes or so.

Xander also got his first couple of sled rides. He was very thoughtful about the whole thing, but refused even once to crack a smile. But he didn't cry either, so apparently the jury is still out.

You can see his very serious thinking face here. He would not smile, he would not fuss, he refused to react in any way. He tends to take his time deciding when encountering new experiences. And yes, his little sock was falling off, but as he spent most of the hour we were there being carried, and it was about 65 degrees outside, he was probably mostly OK. :)

I had to throw this one in because you can see the sweater with the hood up. A friend of mine made him this sweater for his baby shower and I just can't get enough of it. It's so darn precious!

oh to catch a frog. . .

2010-05-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we took the boys to the park. It was the first time since our trip out to Colorado that we realized just how spoiled rotten we really are. The leaves on all the trees were out, it was 75 degrees and absolutely beautiful. It felt like we'd gone through some sort of time warp and skipped over 3 months of early spring driving back from bare, brown Colorado into lush, gorgeous California. It's still way too freaking expensive to live here, but it's nice to get to stay for now.

As you can see, daddy is always Kaalam's hero.

The thing we like best about Shannon Hills Park is the little stream. I know a lot of parents who avoid it because they worry about their kids getting wet, but I say that's the whole point! What's the use of being a little boy if you don't have a place to go to find snails and catch tadpoles and frogs? What's a little boy without mud between his toes?

Xander completely agreed with my philosophy. The water was pretty cold, but that didn't keep him from diving right in. And once in, we couldn't get him out. He was soaking wet and probably freezing, but he was loving every moment of it.

And once we did finally get him out, he kept trying to get back in. That's my boy!

niaw

2010-04-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

So apparently there is a National Infertility Awareness week in this country. I didn't know that until I came home this week from Colorado and got back on the internet and now it's everywhere and I can't seem to get away from it.

It's weird. I can go months without thinking about it. I can go months without any emotion but happiness and excitment when a friend or a sister announces a new pregnancy. I can go months and be totally unaffected, but eventually, it always happens. When I'm least expecting it, something trips in my head and the hole in my heart opens back up and I'm raw for days. I was watching Up yesterday with Kaalam and for the first time since Christmas I bawled my way through the intro. I actually had tears down my face and Kaalam gave me a hug and told me not to be sad. (Have I mentioned how grateful I am for adoption?) I've watched this movie a dozen times in the last few months and I thought I was over it. I love the movie. It's the best that Pixar has ever made and I think the story and the characters are brilliantly done. Probably it was reading about the National Infertility week in the past few days that did it. I think it brought everything back to the forefront. Really I think it's been a whole lot of little things in the past few weeks. While we were away I thought I might be pregnant for about 24 hours or so. It's been a while since we took ourselves off that particular nightmare ride and I had forgotten what it was like.

A while ago, a friend of mine who had been struggling to conceive a child for just over a year asked me if it always hurt when someone talked about pregnancy and children. She had recently been told that she would probably never be physically able to carry another child. I recognized the look on her face and the tone in her voice. My heart broke for her. The best I could say was that someday, you find a way to put the pain aside. Mostly. I'm usually alright now. There was a time when I couldn't even be in the same room as a mother with a child. I would be at the store and some woman would yell at her little girl and I would drive home and climb into bed and cry for hours. I hated the people who took for granted what I wanted so desperately. So many mother's treated their children like an inconvenience. A burden they had to put up with until the child was finally old enough to go to school. I still see that. I still want to walk up to them and call them ungrateful and ask them why they bothered having children if they aren't going to find joy in what they've been given? There's a whole lot of people in the world who would benefit from having to struggle to have children I think.

Online, infertility is abreviated as IF. There's a site where they're having women who are struggling with infertlity leave comments about all the "what IF's" of infertility. You can see the site and read the comments here. I spent time I probably shouldn't have reading through a bunch of them today. It was painful and helpful all at the same time. I never had anyone I could talk to when we were still childless and it was raw every day. I had a good cry and Brandon ran me a hot bath. To this day he doesn't really get it. I doubt he ever will. But at least he loves me enough to be there for me when the ghosts of all the "what IF's" come banging around in my head. Hopefully it'll be a while before I see them again.

spring cleaning

2010-04-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Brandon and I are home from our trip to Colorado and we've both decided that it's time to give our house a good cleaning out. If I were a more organized and responsible homemaker, I'd probably have a schedule for this sort of thing. I'd have a system and an awareness of where to start. I'd do it every year, or every other month, or however often it is that people do this sort of thing. I probably wouldn't be here writting this post right now.

What I do have is 4 unpacked suitcases and a pre-packing mess to get caught up on, a completely empty fridge and only another hour before the kids get up and slow my progress considerably.

I should probably be putting more effort in right about now.

I keep a reasonably clean house. I put a lot of effort into it. I really, really despise housecleaning, but I despise living in chaos even more. But even so, there's all the little things that build up when you aren't really paying attention to them. I've been cleaning all morning and so far, I've only got the pack-and-play out of the hallway, my dress dummy back in place and a clean bathtroom. It's a very clean bathroom. I spent 20 minutes soaking the bathtoys in bleach and another half an hour scrubbing each one before it went back into the bath toy box. I even got around to cleaning the toy box. It was a little bit scary how gross even a draining container can get just since Christmas. I cleaned the baseboards. I scrubbed the soap catcher thingy on the shower wall until there was no soap scum to be found. I cleaned out the cupboards and threw things away that weren't getting used. I even washed the light fixtures and scrubbed down the walls and the door. I'm pretty proud of myself. :)

I still haven't unpacked yet, but my baby has been kicked out of the hallway and is now officially sharing a room with his big brother, my geeky stuff is back up on the walls, my bathroom smells like a swimming pool and I only have 5 rooms, 6 closets, 3 bookshelves, 2 scrapbook bags and 1 cabinet left to go through. Probably not going to happen all in the next hour. Probably not going to happen in the next week. But Brandon is on a "let's get rid of everything we don't need" kick and I'm not about to waste it. He's had the LoveSac stuffed into and completely filling his closet since Christmas. He's finally admitting that maybe we don't really have room to be hanging onto it. He has a hard time letting go of the "stuff", so hopefully I can get some momentum and take advantage while his mood lasts.

Anybody interested in a 6' LoveSac?

open adoption without the fear

2010-04-12T21:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm in Colorado right now visiting my inlaws and I just found out our boys birthmom is going to be around to see this week. Yippee!!! We called her house hoping to at least see her family and it turns out she's in town. Last we heard she was in Tennessee.
This is awesome. I was really hoping to get to see her.

A friend of mine was telling me a while ago that she could never even consider the idea of an open adoption because she'd feel so possesive of the child. That is so hard for me to wrap my mind around. I couldn't imagine trying to live my life trying not to think about where my children came from. At the same time though, I sort of get it. It's a common fear for adoptive parents (mother's especially) that someday the child is going to grow up and decide that you weren't "mother enough" for him and he's going to leave you to go find his "real" parents. I have a friend who was adopted who had a child with medical issues. He decided to try to find his birthmom and find out more about it, hoping it would help him with his son. His adoptive mom was so intimidated by this idea that she wound up shutting herself off from discussion about it completely. When he found his birthmom, he wasn't able to tell his mother about it at all. She was so afraid of losing him that she ended up pushing him away and now instead of being able to share in a wonderful new family relationship, he has spent the past 10 years hiding it from her.

What a stupid, selfish, pointless waste of a good relationship. Several good relationships.

I love my boys birthmom, and I think that one of the greatest blessings that has come into my life because of open adoption is that I don't have to live my life afraid of losing my kids. I don't have to worry about being "chosen" over their "other mother" because there isn't anything for my kids to choose. I am their mom and I love them. She is their birthmom and she loves them too. People have asked me if the boys might not get confused about who their mom really is. but I think that's sort of a silly idea too. My kids don't confuse me with their aunts or their grandmothers. Their lives are filled with adult women who love them and who are involved in their lives. I don't see how their birthmother is much different. She loves them, and she visits with them sometimes. But only one woman feeds them, bathes them, listens to them every day, tucks them in at night, soothes their hurts, holds them when they cry and cleans up every mess they make. I share what stories I can with their birthmother because I love her, but we will never be interchangeable.

But in the end I guess, you just can't feel security and fear all at the same time. Choosing open adoption has brought me security. I have learned that there simply is no reason to be afraid of your kid's birthmother. In fact, it's quite difficult to be afraid of a person that you love. There might be some very extreme cases where things could start to get really weird, but if those stories are out there, I've never heard of them.

Anyway, Thursday night we're getting together and I can't wait! I hope Kaalam remembers her.

pysanky

2010-03-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, my parents brought home a Ukrainian Easter eggs dying kit. It was the kind they use to make the traditional Ukrainian eggs, or Pysanky. I've seen these things in person a couple of times and I have to tell you, they are fabulous to see. And incredibly difficult to make. Have you ever tried to draw a perfectly straight line on a curved, bumpy surface? I didn't have the knack. But I enjoyed playing around with it, it's a whole lot of fun to try. We colored eggs last night for FHE and it was the first time Kaalam was old enough to really get excited about it. I love that he's old enough to do things with now!

These are not our eggs. I wish I could say that they were, but sadly, I would be lying. These are real pysanky and I drool over them. Someday I'll have enough money to justify owning some.

Kaalam displaying our tools.

Kaalam gets impressed easily these days. :)

Zander sort of hung around and kept himself happy. I can't wait for them to do these things together!

Kaalam packed them in and out of this bunny for about 1/2 an hour after we got done. I was glad he had so much fun. Easter has been one holiday we haven't really done much for in the past. Somehow I always seem to forget about it. St Patrick's day I'm all over. Easter slips my mind.

Our finished creations! Not nearly as spectacular as the pysanky, but they'll do for now. :) Kaalam's already broken 4 of them. I'm thinking it's a good indication I might want to wait a few years before I buy the real thing.

tilden park

2010-03-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

This Saturday we took the kids out to ride the Tilden Park Trains. Finally! Two bucks for a 12 minute train ride on a real steam engine train. Kaalam nearly fainted with excitement when he first saw the train blow it's steam! Zander was less excited, but seemed to enjoy himself pretty well.

Kaalam kept pointing at all the tracks yelling, "Thomas Train!".

Dad and Kaalam hanging out.

The train engine. Built back in the 50's and still running. Brandon wants to build one now. Turns out it's close to $300 000 to do so, so we probably won't be setting up shop anytime soon.

We went with our good friend's the Wells. Somehow Brandon always ends up with the kids. :)

Brandon admiring the handy work.

I forgot socks for the poor little guy.

After a train ride we went to feed the animals at the little farm. This is Kaalam adimiring the cows from a distance.

Yee haw?

Kaalam prefered to feed the animals other people's food. You can actually see him stealing Evie's celery in this one.

These two got into it. Who knew a cows tongue could wrap all the way around a celery stalk? They had quite the tug of war.

I asked Brandon to get a picture of Zander petting his first cow. You can see that Zander made it into the shot, but not the cow. Anyway, you can also see he really enjoyed it.

Zander's starting to like riding on daddy's shoulder's just as much as Kaalam does. I always wonder what the world looks like from way up there.

city of heroes

2010-03-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

We had Kaalam's birthday party this weekend. Brandon and I did a City of Heroes theme this time round. It was awesome! We tend to really go all out when it comes to celebrations. Our kids are worth celebrating! :)

The cakes tend to be a big deal for us, but this year we decided not to build it ourselves. Brandon created the picture online and ordered it to be sent to us. It cost less than we thought it would be and the image turned out beautiful.

It took Kaalam a few tries to blow the candles out. It was a bit far, but it didn't really bother him. He likes candles and having it take a bit longer really just drew it out for him.

Zander got to try birthday cake a few months early. You can see that he didn't mind. He spent most of the party hanging out in the high chair eating anything anybody would hand to him. He loved it!

The kids spent most of the party running the streets, which eventually turned into driving on the streets. He got a new big wheel for his birthday and couldn't wait to try it out. The city held up longer than I thought it would.

Just a picture for scope. The entire yard was transformed.

This is before the party. Brandon really went all out on this one. He had alley ways and everything. He and a neighbor were up literally all night long painting boxes and setting everything up. Seeing Kaalam's face when he first saw was totally worth the effort!

Godzilla made an appearance near the end. The kids got to make a movie and everything. They thought "quiet on the set" was awesome!

The kids quite liked tearing the city to pieces at the end.

The entrance.

Kaalam's piece of cake. We sure love that kid! I am so loving getting to be his mom.

Happy St Patrick's Day!

2010-03-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

We celebrated St Patrick's Day this year with some Double Broccoli Quinoa. Not very Irish I think, but very green at least. We all wore green and I was going to try to dye Kaalam's hair green too, but Safeway didn't have any green Kool-Aid and he slept in so I didn't have time to figure anything out with food coloring. Which is too bad. He would have thought it was awesome.

I'm finding that since I've adopted, I have a tendency to want to celebrate everything. There were so many years when I was sure I'd never get the chance to celebrate any of it, and I'm just happy to have the chance. We even celebrated "Talk like a Pirate" day last fall. Which was actually kind of tricky because most of the slang listed was a little too ribald for a two year old. I wasn't sure "wench" was a word I wanted in my sons vocabulary. Not yet anyway. :)

I love it! So many moments looked forward to for so long and now I get to help my sons experience them all! This afternoon we got to hunt for 4 leaf clovers and tommorow Kaalam and I will be painting shamrocks and making green, red velvet cupcakes. I can't wait for Easter now that Kaalam's old enough to want to catch the Easter Bunny in the act. I love being a mom.

my little mousies

2010-03-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did it. I actually started and finished a project all in the same day! Oh the memories of when such things were consistently possible. . .

I found the sweetest little pattern book of knitted toys this week. It's called Knitted Toy Tales and it has all sorts of old fashioned story book style animals to make. The one that really caught me was the frog prince on the cover. It's precious! On Friday we were all sick and hanging out on the couch watching movies all day so I decided it was the perfect time to get started. The mice were a great place to start. They took just over an hour a piece to make and Kaalam was thrilled. I finished the last mouse after Kaalam went to bed and when he got up in the morning I told him to go look on the table. He peeked around the stairs and yelled, "Wow! They're beautiful!". He hasn't put them down since.

I think I might need to make a couple more. That way there's too many for Kaalam to play with all at once and Zander might actually get the chance to play with them once and a while. :) Zander really loves chewing on them. I can't wait to get to the frog prince! And the three little pigs, and the owl and the pussy cat in their pea green boat. . . I need to be a grandma. Then I'd have the time to fill my house with all these sweet little things. I need to have more kids. There's no way I'm going to get a house filled with grandkids with just two kids of my own.

Is it too soon to be looking forward to being a grandma already?

sigh. . .

2010-03-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

You know your house has really fallen apart when your three year old walks into the room, points at the floor, sticks his little hands on his hips and tells you in his very sternest tone, "Mom! You need a vaccuum!"

3!!!

2010-03-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

Kaalam turned three years old yesterday. It scares me how fast it's going by. Where did my little baby disappear to so fast? He had a pretty good day. Most mornings when I go to get him out of bed, he hides and I have to put a big show into finding him before he pops out at me roaring and I dance around the room squealing. Don't really know how that one started. But yesterday when I opened the door he came right out with his shoulders all shrugged up and this excited little look on his face. I gave him a hug and sang Happy Birthday and it was just was he was hoping for. He started jumping up and down and giggling. Dad surprised us both by being home for the day so that was a double bonus for Kaalam.

He picked out his chocolate cake and got to help make it. The colors of the sprinkles and the fruit actually sort of looked awful next to each other, but I think Kaalam didn't mind.

And of course, blowing the candles out. That's Kaalam's favorite part. He did it three times.

Three years have gone by since we woke up in the middle of the night and raced away to the hospital, filled with the hope of finally being parents. We were blessed to be there when Kaalam came into the world and I was doubly blessed to be the first one to hold him. He was so beautiful. The coming of any child into the world is a miracle, but if you have never dealt with the seemingly unending pain of infertility and the struggle to have children, you can not know what that moment was like for me. Years of longing, of praying, of giving up hope, only to find myself hoping again. . . It was terrifying and wonderful and I never wanted to put him down or let him out of my sight. In my whole life I never wanted to be anything more than I wanted to be a mother and here he was after five long years, my perfect little miracle.

I am so eternally grateful for the woman who made that miracle possible for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly express my gratitude for my children's birthmother. I love her with all of my heart. She made me a mother. She gave me my children. What could I possibly say but thank you and I love you and I will always adore you with all of my heart? It doesn't seem enough. Not for what she's done for me. She has been the source of two of the greatest blessings of my life. I am so grateful that she's been a part of my life. I love her with all of my heart.

alligator mom

2010-03-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

These are two of my favorite pictures out of any of Kaalam's books. They're from Matthew Van Fleet's, 'Tails' book. I like them, because I can relate so well to them. You'll notice the first picture of the mommy alligator. Sweet, calm, well rested, dreaming of the days when her children will come along. Making plans and completely self assured that her children, are going to be perfect. As a mom, sometimes you get to have these moments, even after your children have come along. Those perfect, wonderful moments are the moments that make motherhood worthwhile. They're the moments that make you glad to be a mom.
But the reality is that motherhood isn't always filled with hour upon hour of gauzy, mist-filled baby giggles and lullabies. Sometimes you end up having days like this second picture instead. I can relate to this alligator. She's tired and frustrated and literally counting the minutes to bedtime. Yesterday, I was this alligator. Brandon walked through the door and I was sitting on the floor, both boys climbing on me. One was screaming because his older brother had kicked him one too many times, and the other one was screaming because what else are lungs for but to fill a room with as much noise as humanly possible? Brandon took one look and said the most beautiful words any tired and frustrated alligator could ever hope to hear.

"How about I take the boys and go pick up dinner? It should give you a good half hour at least."
It wasn't quite enough time for me to turn entirely back into the first alligator, but it sure helped. I thought I might get a few things done while all the boys were gone, but instead, I shut my eyes and just listened to the quiet and tried to remember what it was like to be sweet, calm, well rested, dreaming of the days when my children would come along. Making plans and completely self assured that my children, were going to be perfect.

Today has been a better day. There's always better days, if you can just hold out long enough. Sometimes the better days last for a week. I like those weeks. Those are good weeks. Overall, I really love being home with my kids, but there are times when I definitely feel like an alligator.

our round table night

2010-03-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

Last night we went with some friends of ours to the Round Table. It's a pizza place. We've been to the one near our house before and the pizza is decent, but it's never been all that exciting. Apparently we were going to the wrong one. It was family night and the place was packed. They had face painting and a train table and balloons everywhere and a live banjo band at the other end of the room! Thirty banjo's and 1 washtub, and 1 homemade base banjo. Who knew there was even such a thing as a base banjo? They played a lot of music, but the one I liked best was "Sweet Georgia Brown". Zander couldn't get enough. He was smiling at them all and smacking his hands to the beat and bouncing up and down. When he's excited, he GLOWS. When we went to go watch them, we were in a position where most of the players could see us. They were all older and they ALL got a kick out of watching Zander enjoy their music. It was awesome. They said they'll be switching nights to Wednesdays, so if you happen to want to go listen to banjo's head over to the Round Table on Oak Park. It was awesome.

Kaalam had to be talked into the painting, and then he'd only let them do his hand. He got a spider. He was pretty proud.

Zander's decided he's quite fond of pizza. Especially when he manages to get a hold of the cinnamon twists instead.
At one point Kaalam came running up to me holding some other kid's toy. There were two or three kids chasing him trying to get it back. They looked about 8 or 9 years old. I had Kaalam give them back the toy and they left, but it was a little strange to see my 3 year old successfully playing 'keep away' with boys twice his size. I wasn't entirely sure if I should be worried or impressed.

hooray!

2010-03-02T07:59:00.000-08:00

The week Zander was born, Kaalam learned how to climb out of his crib. Guess how exciting this was for me? I was up all night with a newborn and dealing all day with a two year old who was suddenly 3 hours shy of the sleep he needed. When we got home from Colorado, I decided that nap time was NOT going to be negotiable.

For the first couple of weeks I was spending every afternoon sending him back to his bed all afternoon. Then he started napping some of the time, and the rest of the time he'd play quietly up in his room for a couple hours. Then one day I realized that he was actually napping every day again. The last few weeks have been great. I let Kaalam know it's nap time and he walks up to his room and he's out in minutes.

Yesterday, 15 minutes shy of nap time, Kaalam stood up, turned off the TV and said, "OK, mommy". I asked OK what? And he started walking up the stairs and said, "OK, it's time for nap". Who was I to argue? I wanted to break out in a top-of-my-lungs rendition of the Hallelujah chorus! I love this kid. I'm still getting two whole hours to myself every afternoon and it's completely saving my sanity. I might actually be able to start squeezing a little writing time back into my afternoons again. Hooray!

I'm so glad I'm married

2010-02-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful to have the kind of husband who entertains the boys while I get some much needed sleep. We all laid down for naps the other day and when the boys woke up, Brandon got up with them and let me get an extra hour of sleep. It was very, very needed. And I think all the boys had great time. And they got a bath when they were done, so how can you call that anything but a win?

Kaalam was a dragon.

I married a great man. Come June we'll have been together for 9 years, and it's been 9 really wonderful years. I was incredibly picky when it came to choosing my husband, and I think I chose well. He still makes me laugh. I am so glad I married such a sweet, kind man.

I like being married to Brandon. I couldn't imagine my life any other way.

7 months

2010-02-24T09:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting lately, and that's a shame because Zander is turning into the sweetest little boy. He's getting so big and he can do so many things now! Actually, he was a rather fussy baby, but now that the whole world is opening up to him, he's the happiest little boy anybody ever saw. He's just about the busiest little 7 month old I know. I think in another year, I'm going to start feeling seriously outnumbered.

Being outside is one of his very favorite things. If I can just keep him from eating the rocks, then we'll both be happy!

What is it with kids and dishwashers? Kaalam was completely infatuated and it looks like Zander's going to be too. It was one of the first things he learned to pull himself up on.

Brandon walked into the kitchen the other day and found this.

And here's Zander standing! He's standing up on everything now and I love it! The first time Kaalam saw Zander standing he jumped up and down and screamed, "Woo Hoo!!" and "Good job Zander!". He was so very proud. I really do hope he learns to walk soon. The two of them are going to have so much fun together.

ah spring!

2010-02-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

I love spring! I really hate not having a winter here. I miss the snow and I would love to teach Kaalam to ice skate and build snowmen. But California sort of makes up for it by having a really ridiculously long spring. I have flowers in my garden right now. My mom in Canada (who also loves to garden) won't be able to start planting until May.

Kaalam has decided that next to watering my flowers, picking them is his new favorite thing about my garden. The other day he was going after my flowers with his little scissors and I told him no. He told me, "Iss OK mom. Iss a perprise! Iss a present!". He seemed so sincere, I told him he could pick just one. So he picked one and tucked it behind his back and grinned. Then he pulled it out, yelled, "Perprise!" and told me Merry Christmas and gave me the flower. He was pretty proud. It was pretty sweet.

This is my very first bouquet from Kaalam. You can see that more than one flower got picked.
All those pots and all that dirt, just waiting to be filled! When we moved in, all we had was a 2ft patch of dirt and some broken concrete. I'd say it's definitely coming along.

magazine "contest" time

2010-02-22T13:50:00.000-08:00

I hate door to door salesmen. Especially when they have the very mistaken impression that I'm going to be swayed in any direction other than away, when most of their presentations involve off color jokes about why the girls won last year. And when the jokes aren't about the other "contestants", they're about women in general. With my 2 year old son standing next to me? Seriously? His remarks came complete with hand gestures. If I knew where they were from, I would call and complain. I wonder how hard it would be to track them down.

One of the first rules of sales is to know your audience. Jokes about sex to a stay at home mom in front of her small impressionable children are probably not often going to hit the mark. Probably nasty jokes about women to a woman might not be all that terribly effective in general. Just a hunch.

At the end when it finally became apparent to the guy that my answer really was going to be no, he opened up his wallet and shoved a couple of dollars at me saying that obviously we must be really hard off, so I was going to need it more than he did. Then he huffed off. If I insult a few more of these guys, maybe I'll be able to take Brandon out to dinner this week. That'd be pretty cool. :)

power of example

2010-02-10T16:18:00.000-08:00

When I was young, my parents always told me that I should choose my friends wisely and now they're scientifically proving why. Apparently they're showing that self control (or the lack thereof) is contagious. Even just thinking about a person with good or bad self control is enough to influence a person's behavior, in completely unrelated situations.

Here's the link - http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34881243/ns/health-behavior/

I've been thinking about this a lot in the past few days and I've decided that it's a little scary to know. I've always known that friends were important and choosing your friends wisely was vital. But I started thinking about these studies in terms of parenthood. Children learn just about everything by watching their parents behavior. Brandon doesn't like tomatoes, so Kaalam doesn't eat them either. Brandon and I are very cuddly, so Kaalam and Zander tend to be as well. But how often as a parent do you stop and consider your ability to exercises self control and the effect that has on your children? I hadn't. Not quite in these terms anyway. I knew if I said please and thank you, it would be easier to teach our boys to say please and thank you. But consider other things like emotional self control. According to these studies, grown adults with fully developed personalities and characters are influenced by simply the thought of a person who exhibits self control or the lack thereof. What then do our children, with virtually no experience outside the home learn by watching us? Am I the kind of parent that fly's off the handle at the slightest provocation? Am I the kind of parent that exhibits tenderness when they're upset, even after I warned them what was about to happen? Am I the kind of parent who exercises restraint and patience, even after a really hard day, even after the kids have pushed every button?

I've long believed that the only way to raise emotionally healthy children is to be emotionally healthy yourself. You can't give your children what you don't have. It simply isn't possible. But someday, when your children leave your home and are faced with choices of their own, many of which are going to be very serious, how will thoughts of their parents affect them? Will they think of you and be influenced to show restraint? Or will the thought of their parents influence them in other directions?

I want to be the kind of mom whose memory inspires my children to become better people. Someday, that's the only real influence I'll have left.

discovery all around

2010-02-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

So I haven't really been posting lately so I figured I'd get at least a few up today. Kaalam has discovered how to blow raspberries on Zander's stomach and Zander thinks it's awesome! I keep finding Kaalam unzipping Zander's pj's so he can get to his stomach.

Kaalam takes being a big brother very seriously. He takes every opportunity to teach him, and to point out every detail he might think Zander would like to see. Zander soaks it all up. Any attention is good attention.
Zander has discovered the swings and he loves them!
This week Kaalam has discoverd worms, ants, spiders, slugs and even two salamanders. Spending the time to take a close look pays off I guess.
Kaalam keeps putting this on and announcing that he's a pumpkin.
Weird.

cheesy mess

2010-02-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

No one should ever have to clean cheese out of their bathtub.

buffy vs edward

2010-01-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

I was a big fan of Buffy back in the day, and I quite liked the pairing off of Buffy vs. Edward.

Enjoy!

it's all happening at the zoo

2010-01-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday we went to the Zoo! It was fantastic. Brandon dropped us off in the morning so he could go to the temple, and Kaalam, Zander and I spent most of our morning getting rained on with no car to leave. :) It turned out alright though. Kaalam loved the frog house, and the bat house and I was even compelled at one point to enter the bug house just to have someplace indoors we could be. Around lunch time Brandon came back, the rain cleared and we got to spend another hour or two with daddy at the Zoo. Kaalam was determined not to go home until he'd seen the Elephants, so it worked out well.

In one of the rainy lulls, Kaalam climbed all over the spider web yelling, "I'm a spiderman!". When it started raining again, I practically had to drag him by his heals to get inside.
Zander had a very brief nap. It wasn't nearly long enough, but he stayed mostly happy at least.
In the frog house Kaalam very politely listened to every word of the presentation on turtle spines/shells. I'm not sure he understood a word, but he waited until the volunteer was done before randomly wandering away.
Zander's favorite part was being pushed by his big brother. Kaalam pushed faster than mom normally does. At one point Kaalam got speed going down a hill, then let go of the stroller and ran the other direction. Fortunately dad was close by, but I think Zander really thought it was pretty cool.

Once dad showed up wearing his Superman shirt, Kaalam had to show off his too. He WOULD NOT put his jacket back on. Poor thing's hands were red and he was shivering, but apparently a man's gotta do. . .

Zander won't nap without a hat on, so we'd brought one for him and it turned out to be a good thing since it was so chilly. It was way too big and kept falling in his face, but he thought it was pretty funny. He's got a good sense of humor like Kaalam and not a lot bothers him either. The two of them are going to be ganging up on me in the next couple years.

i hope it never stops!

2010-01-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know why you wouldn't spend a rainy week outside! It's been raining since Monday and I hope it never stops! Kaalam and I have been playing everyday outside, chasing leaves down the storm drains, splashing every puddle, and not to mention playing with the "brellela". I could so totally live in Seattle. I never want it to stop! And we've gotten the chance to do plenty of baking too. Kaalam's gotten to help make whole grain french bread and cookies we've had hot chocolate with lots of marshmallows and all sorts of other treats we swore off just two weeks ago. :)

He has a froggy rain coat but today he insisted that because he had the "brellela", he didn't need the froggy coat. I think he was hoping he wouldn't get as cold as fast without it.
After about a half hour outside, he stopped dead in his tracks and said, "Mom, I'm cold. Less go inside.". And just like that he was done. He insisted on the towel and when we got him into dry clothes he huddled down on the couch for the next half hour or so watching Caillou. I've decided I really like that show. Caillou is always trying to be polite and friendly, he's kind to his little sister, he shares with his friends and they really play up the presence of both a mom and a dad. More or less all the things we're trying to teach Kaalam everyday. When Kaalam saw the episode all about being a big brother, you could tell that he made a special effort that day to take care of Zander. That made me happy.

drama at the hughes house

2010-01-20T08:04:00.000-08:00

Kaalam's always been smart enough not to do the really stupid things that you worry about your toddler doing. He doesn't jump off things if he doesn't know he can land. He doesn't play with objects that are sharp and he doesn't put strange substances in his mouth. He's very aware and doesn't like to get hurt and usually asks for permission or help before doing something stupid, and when you tell him no, he'll usually listen.

But apparently he has no problem experimenting on his brother.

Monday morning I came into my room and found Zander spitting out soap suds and Kaalam grinning ear to ear next to the laundry detergent saying, "It's OK mom. I'm sharing!". I FREAKED out. Kaalam was lucky I was too busy making sure the baby wasn't going to die to deal with him right away. It gave me the chance to calm down. I read the box and it said to give him lots of water and then I called Poison Control (which is now programed into my phone) and they said he'd probably be fine. Turns out laundry soap is just an irritant, not really a poison, so all we could do was give him lots of fluids and some Benadryl to help soothe his irritated insides.

Not how I planned to spend my day.

I am really glad I got the chance to calm down before dealing with Kaalam. I try very hard to be patient and I very rarely yell. The only spanking he's ever had was the day he kicked week old baby Zander in the top of the head with his shoes on because he was mad at dad and I. He didn't do that a second time. But the time it took to take care of Zander let me go back afterwards and have a talk with Kaalam about never feeding the baby without asking mom or dad first. He was worried sick about Zander. He spent the rest of the morning hovering around Zander bringing him toys and trying to make him "snile". Zander was pretty miserable for about 24 hours or so, but he seems to have come through all in one piece.

Hopefully he makes it through the rest of his childhood that way.

a little somethng for week's end

2010-01-17T20:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a bit since I've put pictures up so I thought I'd post a few before going to bed tonight.

Zander got his first tooth yesterday!! We're so excited. Especially Kaalam. He keeps sticking his fingers in Zander's mouth looking for the teeth that are supposed to be "growing up".
These two are turning into the best of buds and I'm so excited about that. We were worried Kaalam would have a hard time transitioning to having a brother, but the older Zander gets, the more these two fall in love.

We had ants in our living room this week and while I was in the kitchen getting out the lemon Pledge (works like a charm against ants!) Kaalam was enjoying himself stomping on and catching and playing with the ants. All of a sudden he came up behind me and asked if he could have some ant food. Apparently he thought they might be hungry.

a little something for mothers

2010-01-11T22:32:00.001-08:00

I've been following the blog "Diapers and Divinity" lately. It's a fantastic site. She posts often from the general authorities of the church and I love having a site to go to when I'm frustrated and tired and my teething baby won't stop screaming and my two year old won't stop climbing onto his brother's back and I need to be reminded of the importance of why I'm raising children in an eternal sense. She posted a talk today by Elder Neil A. Maxwell, and I thought I'd share a little clip from it.

“When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.” Neil A. Maxwell

I like it. Today was supposed to be my cleaning day and with teething sleepless Zander crying and a restless, bored, not-taking-his-nap-today Kaalam, it was pretty rough. I still feel like I'm trying to catch up from putting away Christmas and my wheels are spinning, but I can't seem to get anywhere and reading the quote tonight helped me put everything back into perspective. I really do believe that staying home and being a full time mother is the single most important thing I will ever do with my life. It feels good to be reminded of that every once and a while.

zander

2010-01-09T00:12:00.000-08:00

This morning I took Zander to the doctor and he's in the 96th percentile for height and the 75th for weight. His birthfather was rumored to be smaller than Kaalam's so I was worried he'd be small compared to his older brother, but apparently I have nothing at all to worry about. Not yet anyway. He'll be 6 months old next Tuesday and I put him in his 12 month pajama's today and they were barely too big. So tomorrow I'm off to buy him a new wardrobe. Again. This is his 4th wardrobe change in 6 months. I forgot what it was like to have to shop so often for clothes. I'm a little jealous. :)

Officially, we should be finalizing our adoption next week, but the social worker in Colorado didn't bother sending in his paperwork until December 31st. This would be the paperwork that he told us was done and ready to be sent in at the beginning of September. I am SO not impressed with that guy. Four months? Seriously? Anyway, we are finally able to get things moving on our side at least, but we haven't been able to start any of our paperwork. So, instead of getting to announce next week that we're finally, officially a family and planning our Temple sealing and the baby blessing, it's probably going to be a few months still. But things are finally moving forward now. Hopefully soon, we'll have spectacular news about finalization to announce, but for right now, we just have really good news. :)

things a kid says that make me feel good

2010-01-06T07:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, Kaalam and I were having a conversation with our dragons.

Kaalam: I'm a dragon!
Me: I'm a dragon too!
Kaalam: I'm a dragon!

(At this point I decided to switch things up)

Me: What do you do for fun dragon?
Kaalam: Ummm. . . Preschools!

I was so happy to hear that. He could have answered nursery, or going to the park, or playing with friends, or playing with daddy, but it was our time together that he came up with. That made me feel happy. I haven't been posting on preschool very consistently, but I've been doing it at least a few times a week with Kaalam and now that the holidays are over, I think I'll try to be more consistent all around. Today for preschool we're going to climb up into the club house (I'll post about our new bed soon) and read the Friend. We'll take some crayons with us too. I can't wait! I think "preschools" might be my favorite time of the day too. :)

geysers and water fights

2010-01-03T22:05:00.000-08:00

If you're going to learn about chemical reactions, they might as well be good ones. Karina is an engineer, so when she came I asked if she had any good chemical things we could do for preschool. She said the only one she could think of was diet Coke and Mentos, so exploding geysers it was! I've actually been wanting to do this one for a while, but I figured I wanted a second person around to wrangle Kaalam for safety's sake.

We bought 4 bottles of Coke and 4 packages of Mentos and when Brandon came home, we had a great time. Kaalam was impressed!

He really liked stomping the empty bottles. Because what isn't fun about stomping empty bottles?
On the last one, Brandon decided to get himself a drink and got pretty soaked. Kaalam got a little too close, so a really great preschool ended in tears, but I think Kaalam mostly had a really great time. I felt bad about the tears, but I think they might have been inevitable. He tripped and hurt his hands before we set the last one off, so he was already on the emotional edge. He really enjoyed the clean up though. Brandon handed him the hose and let him spray the concrete off. Which of course ended in a water fight. Geysers and water fights all in one day. We sure keep this kid busy, don't we?

a long, long new years eve. . .

2009-12-31T20:04:00.000-08:00

Our friend Karina came to visit this week, so for New Years Eve we took her on a whirlwind tour of the sights. We're getting better at this. It used to be we'd hit one, maybe two things in a day. Today we hit five! Six if you count the hour we spent driving the streets of San Fransisco looking at the architecture and the cable cars.

This is going to be a pretty picture heavy post. Partly because we did so much and partly because the boys were in such a picturific mood. They both did great!

Muir Woods

One of the things Karina wanted to see were the redwoods, so that was our first stop this morning. We spent a couple hours first thing hiking around and soaking in the sight and smell of the redwoods and the moss. Poor Karina lives in Arizona, so hopefully she absorbed enough today to keep her going for a while.

The nice things about bringing friends along, is that you get to have family pictures taken.
The last (and only) time we were at Muir Woods was in August and Kaalam saw fishys in the water. Today he spent the whole morning trying to find them again. He's got a pretty good memory. I want so badly to get Kaalam a fish tank, but for some reason, Brandon's digging in his heels about it. Someday I guess.
Zander is the sweetest little munchkin ever. He spent the whole 2 hours snuggled and happy. If I tied him on every day, he's love it! He had issues near the end when we couldn't get hot water for his bottle though. He's a whole lot pickier about temperature than Kaalam ever was.

How could you not love a little face like that?

At the end of our hike we had sandwiches and fruit that Brandon made for us this morning. Kaalam quite liked his little picnic in the woods.

Zander is starting to show a lot more personality lately. Especially since he's gotten over his 3 week cold. He's not as charismatic as Kaalam was at this same age, but he is definitely showing signs of a healthy sense of humor.
Stinson Beach

After Muir Woods we figured we were going to drive by the beach anyway, we might as well stop off and take a look. We had been planning on heading home (I think) but our little detour to the beach turned our morning adventure into a day length one.

The weather was fantastic! Just warm enough not to be too uncomfortable getting splashed a bit, but cloudy too. I think I like the beach better in the winter. I like the moodiness of the sky and the water. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly. But I think it wouldn't have been so beautiful if the sun had been shinning.

Since the first time he saw the ocean, Kaalam's favorite game has been to chase the waves out and let the waves chase him back in. Which is awesome, but it also greatly hinders our efforts to teach him how to swim.

It was Zander's first trip to the ocean. He really seemed to like it.

So much so, that when I went to take him out of the car seat, he heaved himself out for me. Somehow he did this in the time it took me to unclip his harness and reach for his arms. I think babies have super speed superpowers. I'm almost sure of it. I might have to have a third one to test my theories though. . . :)

He was in such a good mood! For almost two solid weeks we could hardly get a smile out of him because of his cold, and the last couple of days, he's finally been back to normal. I'm so happy to have my smiling, sweet, giggly baby back!

Both my boys are quite taken with Karina. Kaalam showed off for the first 2 days she was here. I've never seen him on such good behavior!

Golden Gate Bridge

And of course you can drive through San Fransisco and not see the Golden Gate Bridge! We also had a great view of Alcatraz from up on the hill, so I guess you could argue that we squeezed 7 sights in today.

Lombard Street

Sadly I have no good pictures of this one and because I'm a lazy blogger, I didn't look any up. But this is the really famous, really steep, switchback road in San Fransisco that people come from all over the world to drive down.

Fenton's

I don't have any idea how famous this one actually is, but if you've seen the movie Up, you've heard of Fenton's. It's the ice cream shop Carl and the little boy (I can't remember his name) go to at the end of the movie. It's also mentioned sooner when the kid tells the story of the things he used to love doing with his dad. The ice cream was pretty good, and the food was great. I'd go again.

Kaalam tore his sweater open singing the theme song to Superman at the top of his lungs. I think he was revealing his "Superman" shirt underneath like on the movie. He's got to be one one the biggest fans alive! They're taking it off instant play on Netflix and we might have a serious problem. Anyone have any idea where you track down the first Christopher Reeves Superman movie?

The interior, just because it was nice. :)

And a reminder of what the Fenton's scene looked like in the movie. They have this up on their wall. I love that movie. I cry every time. I hate it too, for the same reason.

So that was our whirlwind tour of San Francisco. If anybody wants to come out for one of their own, we can do it all again. :) The only time we ever go into the city is when we have guests.

don't get mad, take a picture!

2009-12-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

The other day I passed by the living room not really paying attention and Kaalam started frantically telling me, "Go away! Go away!" This has traditionally meant he had to go to the bathroom and since we're potty training right now, I rushed right in. The pictures don't do it justice. I think there must have been half a bottle of baby powder all over the room. Brandon and I had to take turns dealing with him, because we had to keep leaving the room to laugh. He had his bottom lip stuck out all sad and defiant at the same time. He's pretty good with that lip.

Kaalam one truly redeeming quality is that no matter what the mess he's made, he's always insisted on being the one to clean it up. He did a pretty good job too. By the time he told us he was finished, all that was left was dusting everything a bit with a damp cloth.